Trigger warning: mentions of suicide
Impulse control can be difficult for many neurodivergent people. Sometimes it is a genuine inability to control reflexes, responses, and behaviours. Often, however, it is just an inclination; the simple fact that impulse control does not come naturally and needs to be learned more explicitly through techniques such as Urge Surfing. Admittedly, this is also the case for some neurotypical people too!
Just as the majority of the general population instinctively learn to walk, but some children need physio or OT to help their bodies figure it out. Or the way some children are capable of speech, and are keen to use their voice to speak, but need a speechie to get them where they want to be. Some people don’t know how to control their urges and impulses without being taught how to.
There are a number of approaches to this, but through recent DBT (Dialectical Behaviour Therapy) training, I encountered the wonderful Urge Surfing.
Why It’s Useful
Impulse control is an important part of life. It’s necessary for preventing someone saying something they’ll later regret, in the heat of the moment. Avoid accidentally spending an entire day watching a TV series when they were supposed to be writing an assignment. Stop making themselves ill by overeating. Prevent burning through money and cluttering their homes due to impulsive shopping. Or tackle more serious issues such as addiction (technology, food / binge eating, drugs, alcohol, shoplifting, gambling, etc) or being abusive.
A lack of impulse control skills frequently negatively impacts on relationships, studies and employment, and health. In the most severe situations, the lack of control can be the critical element of impulsive suicides (while impulsivity in itself is not a suicide risk factor, for those with suicidal ideations it certainly increases the risk).
But let’s focus on the positives, and there are many! Impulse control allows people to:
- make fewer mistakes
- receive less criticism
- feel less guilt and shame
- be more productive
- make better choices (allowing them to budget better, eat better)
- be a better friend, partner, parent, or family member
- do what they actually want to do opposed to what their reflex leads to
So What is Urge Surfing?
The basic principle of urge surfing, is that an urge has the same basic shape as a wave. A trigger (bottom of the wave), rise, peak, and fall.
Urges, opposed to needs, will fade if not met. Our brains, however, tell us otherwise. Particularly as we approach and reach the peak, we feel it is a necessity. And often we fulfil the urge.
Urge surfing allows people to mindfully surf through the four stages of an urge, rather than reacting and responding to it immediately.
It doesn’t mean you can’t ever meet a “want” just because it’s not a “need”, but there is a difference between wanting to check social media (this is a desire, and acting upon it is a choice), and feeling like you need to check social media for no specific reason (this is an urge).
Urge Surfing
There are 5 stages in the process of Urge Surfing:
- Awareness: Being able to notice and acknowledge an urge – this is often the trickiest part for people with impulse control issues in the first place, but can be learned by many
- Label & Observe: What is this urge about? What does it feel like? What is my body doing right now? What do I want to do, as a reflex?
- Healthy Distraction: There are many options here including mindful breathing, meditation, having a cold drink, or utilising any of the known DBT distress tolerance techniques, until the urge has been ridden out to a extinction or at least a manageable level.
- Reflect: Once the urge has gone, look back on what triggered it, how to prevent or avoid that next time, how you managed the situation, and how something that felt critical very recently now holds significantly less power.
- Self-compassion: Give yourself credit for what you’ve achieved, empathy for needing to deal with such significant urges in the first place, and do something nice for yourself… that doesn’t involve meeting the urge!
Mindfulness and Neurodivergence
As many people with neurodivergencies such as ADHD report finding meditation “impossible”, there is a long standing myth that meditation and mindfulness practices aren’t ideal for neurodivergent people.
However, it has been shown – both anecdotally, and in numerous academic studies – that if applied appropriately, and in a neuroaffirming manner, mindfulness techniques are hugely beneficial to neurodivergent people. Mindfulness can be used to address things such as:
- Impulse control issues
- Emotional / distress responses
- Depression
- Anxiety
- Negative self-talk
- Overwhelm
- Self-harm
- Binge Eating
How Can I Help?
If your child is struggling with impulse control, achieving the initial step of recognising an urge as such can be incredible difficult. Taking that pause to acknowledge that they don’t actually need the thing they’re dysregulated about not having is so hard, especially if the dysregulation has already kicked in.
Your child might need significant help co-regulating whilst applying the first step.
Don’t:
- Belittle the severity of the feeling by saying it doesn’t matter, is silly, isn’t real, etc
- Try to talk them through the steps without reducing dysregulation significantly first
- Prevent them from expressing their thoughts, needs, and logic
- Criticise them for not successfully Urge Surfing
- Disallow (depending on the issue!) the urge being fulfilled later, just because it started as an urge
If I have a craving (urge) for coffee, I surf it – usually eating fruit or drinking water, or doing a chore – and if half an hour to an hour later I feel like a coffee, I allow myself to have one. I don’t have to deny myself coffee just because I sometimes get urges for it.
Obviously this wouldn’t apply to alcoholism, gambling addiction, or anything illegal! But it doesn’t apply to many things related to impulse control in neurodivergent kids:
- Device usage
- Eating
- Running around in a quiet classroom (they can fulfil this urge by running outside, or waiting until it’s play time in the classroom, etc)
- Playing too roughly with pets or siblings (they can play without the roughness)
- Resisting transitions
Similarly, if you aren’t sure where the line is between an urge and a decision that appears critical, it mightn’t be the safest technique to use without guidance. For example, can you see the difference between an urge to play a computer game, and a genuine – but immediate and potentially panicked – realisation that playing a computer game would be the best way to self-regulate at this point in time?
Ideally, find a neuroaffirming therapist who can teach your child (and you!) DBT. I also strongly recommend Sonny Jane Wise’s downloadable book, Neurodivergent-Friendly Workbook of DBT Skills.
Urge Surfing, and other DBT strategies can be absolute game-changers when it comes to reducing dysregulation, and increasing wellbeing and happiness.