Many neurodivergent kids, particularly autistic kids, rely on routines, schema, and advance warnings, to prepare themselves adequately for what’s ahead. Knowing – even vaguely – what to expect, gives them the opportunity to access the strategies and coping mechanisms required for a particular situation. However, the same children are often prone to anxiety about impending change and new experiences.
So what happens when we, as parents or teachers, know things aren’t going to be as expected? Do we warn them, knowing we’re going to induce potentially unnecessary anxiety? Or do we spring it on them at the last minute, knowing we’re reducing their ability to cope in that specific situation?
Advanced Notice – Anxiety
Let’s use swimming lessons as an example. Many of our kids take them, and many neurodivergent kids struggle with aspects of them.
If your child has the same swimming teacher every week, and trusts them to keep them safe in the pool, being told their teacher is going away for a few weeks can be terrifying.
What if my new teacher doesn’t know I’m autistic? What if they don’t know what that means? What if I’m having a bad day that day, and they don’t get it? What if they think I’m a cry-baby, when I’m struggling to regulate? What if they force me to do things that make me scared and I freeze? What if they’re a shouty person? What if they smell funny, or their hands are rough, or I don’t understand their speech? What if they overestimate me, and I drown? What if they laugh at me? What if they don’t like me?
Being told well in advance, can lead to days of dysregulation, stress, poor sleep, poor eating, and potentially even resisting the event itself.
Surprises – Panic
The endless list of concerns will still be present if your child arrives at swimming, only to discover their teacher is gone. However, they will have less time to ruminate over them before they’re proven to be unfounded. There will be fewer things that can be impacted, such as eating or sleeping or school.
But it isn’t kind. It’s a massive hit to your child’s central nervous system, and can easily lead to meltdowns, dysregulation, and a self-fulfilling prophecy: the teacher not responding well to them, because they’re a long way from their best. This may make the next change to their routine even more anxiety or panic inducing.
Happy Medium – Hypotheticals
You might have already established with your child that they are better with time to prepare themselves, and that this far outweighs their anxiety. Or you might know your child is better with minimal time to overthink, and are unlikely to have a meltdown when faced with these things (please do consider, however, the unseen tax of masking and coping in this situation).
If not, consider hypotheticals as a strategy.
If you know the swimming teacher is going to be away, have a conversation around: “How do you feel when your school teacher is away for the day?” to gauge their response and needs.
Chat about “What do you like about your swimming teacher, that you think all the teachers are your swim school would do?” and suggests things like the fact they keep you safe, want you to be happy, want you to learn, are there to support you, and will listen if you advocate.
Consider discussing the best things about meeting new people, like how great it is when our list of safe people grows. Your hypotheticals don’t need to be specific to any particular situation, but can cover the same required strategies and coping mechanisms.
Following Up Hypotheticals
If the situations you discuss in your hypotheticals come to fruition, remind them you’d discussed it. “Do you remember when you told me if you had a different teacher, you’d take a deep breath and do what they asked, but probably take a while to feel comfortable chatting with them? I think I saw you do exactly that today, and I also think you got comfortable chatting with them quite quickly. Did it play out like you expected?”
This will give your child the opportunity to reflect on their own expectations and predictions, which will allow them to develop even more accurate ones next time. The more they are able to forecast their own reactions and needs, the less they will become anxious changes they’re aware of.
Modelling Change as Normal and Good
Without telling our kids to “suck it up”, it’s wonderful to encourage them to approach the notion of change as potentially positive. That things changing can be things improving. That new people are potentially new friends. That new places can become favourite places. That a new swimming teacher has the potential to be just as good – or even better! – than the current one.
In a swim school where your child’s teacher can change each term have happy chats along the lines of, “I wonder who you’ll get this term! All the teachers there are so great”. Bracing them for possible change, even if it isn’t coming, can allow them to engage those coping strategies, without triggering the anxiety that comes with knowing change is coming.
And when things change for you, play Pollyanna. “Aw, my favourite shoes fell apart, and that makes me sad because they were so comfortable. But these new ones are really comfy too, and they look much nicer without the holes!”
Or “I had my hopes set on having sausages for dinner, but there aren’t any in the freezer. I bet this chicken will be delicious. And I might add sausages to our shopping list.”
Even better, when your own schema is challenged, and turns out for the better, share it! “I was so annoyed the cafe had run out of my favourite breakfast by the time I got there. The one I got instead was even better though! I am definitely ordering that from now on.”
Demonstrate when you struggle with change, and how you cope with this. And celebrate positive changes to illustrate to your child that it isn’t always something to fear.