One of the awful phrases parents of neurodivergent children often hear from medical professionals* is “They’re failing to reach their potential.”
* The ones who aren’t neuroaffirming, and don’t really understand what they’re talking about.
This is usually based on measured assessments, or ideal milestones for their age. Children who might be considered to be “failing to reach their potential” could include, for example:
- a three year old that initially reached the expected milestones for communication and speech, who has stopped voice-speaking and isn’t engaging with their speech therapist and therefore not improving their voice-speech.
- a child who scores highly on the WISC-V (high GAI), but achieves unremarkable academic results at school.
- a child with poor muscle tone, who appears to develop improved tone through exercise but doesn’t show a willingness to do the activities.
Is it True?
Sometimes the professionals will be blatantly wrong. For example, a child who doesn’t use their spoken voice to communicate might not have the potential to do so, even based on precedent or other case studies.
But what if they’re right? What if your child isn’t reaching their potential? There are three primary responses or courses of action: radical acceptance, working towards thriving, and improving “for fun”.
They’re Fine: Radical Acceptance
Before we apply this “concern” to our neurodivergent kids, consider how it applies to the neurotypical adult population.
Have you reached every potential you possess? Do you exercise as much as you could? Have you achieved the highest level of education you’re intellectually capable of? Do you have the best, most fulfilling, most world-changing and/or highest paying job you could possible have? Is your partner the kindest, smartest, best looking, successful person you could possibly have settled for? If you have answered no to any of these questions, then that’s my point. Whether you’re inclined to follow your no with a “but…” is irrelevant. “But I don’t have time…” “But I have chosen something else…” “But I didn’t have the opportunity…” Our children have the same valid reasons.
The point is that no-one, neurodivergent or neurotypical, reaches their full potential in all areas. So why the pressure on our neurodivergent kids to do so?
If your child is thriving, happy, enjoys school, but has a higher GAI or IQ than their schoolwork implies, it might be worth just letting it roll unless they show signs of boredom, disconnect, school can’t, or a positive interest in extension work and learning.
If your child expresses distress and dysregulation in speech therapy, or doing speech therapy exercises at home, but happily communicates using sign language or an AAC, perhaps their potential to voice-speak isn’t the most important thing right now; communication is the primary goal!
Before you act upon any concerns about potential, consider if accepting current progress has its own value. Do they need to reach their potential in this are? Do they want to? Or is it another example of the deficit model, where a medical professional is focused on pointing out what your child isn’t doing? Imagine if we all treated each other in that way!
They are Struggling: Working Towards Thriving
Some children genuinely do benefit from being flagged as not reaching their potential. Sometimes, as parents, we:
- are unaware of what our child might be capable of.
- feel we’re already asking so much of them that we don’t feel comfortable pushing even harder.
- don’t know how to help our children overcome their hurdles.
- aren’t sure if our suspicions and benchmarks are realistic.
Recognising untapped potential in a child who is struggling with frustration can be a magical turning point.
To discover that the majority of meltdowns are down to them feeling unheard – and then providing a means to communicate – can be genuinely life changing for your child, and their entire family.
Similarly, learning that your child’s “poor coordination” is actually down to low muscle tone, and that their meltdowns are due to unverbalised chronic aches and pains due to the same – then spending some time with a physio or doing a new sport – can largely fix a significant number of issues. Did you know that many young neurodivergent people won’t verbally communicate concerns such as chronic pain, poor vision or hearing, or absence seizures? Often it’s because it’s all they’ve ever known and therefore they don’t realise it’s something that needs to be said! The same way a neurotypical person wouldn’t think about complaining that they can’t hear colours… because that’s their normal, so they’d rarely consider an alternative.
Talk to a neuroaffirming specialist about how they’d recommend your child addressing any gaps in achievable skills, whether this is at home, or using medical professionals. Then consider the most beneficial way to integrate these into your lives.
This Could Be Nice: Improving “For Fun”
There’s a funny little middle ground on this topic.
It could look like “It would take a lot of spoons to achieve this goal, but once the skills were learned they’d be there for life and hugely beneficial”.
Or it could look like “I think they’d really enjoy books once they were facilitated to reach their potential in reading” or “I think they’d be happier if they had the physical coordination to join in more games with their peers” or “I know how much they enjoy new foods once they’re confident enough to discover them”, but knowing they’re currently resisting working on these skills.
The important factors to consider here are:
- Are you just trying to teach/coach your child to be neurotypical? (If the answer is yes, don’t do it)
- Is developing this skill going to be difficult (we can do hard things!) or traumatic (don’t do it)?
- Have you discussed it with your child, including intended goals and outcomes, and the likely journey to get there? Have you got their consent to begin? (If not, I’d advise against for now)
- Can you reframe this for your child in a more approachable way? Eg, instead of “We’re going to work on your reading skills” pose it as a “We’re going to play some games with these sounds and pictures”
How Can I Help?
The majority of neurodivergent children need to feel that any therapies (formal or otherwise) are a team effort, have goals rather than expectations, and are within their own control. This is what needs to be communicated to them, very clearly, whether you or your medical professionals believe your child is able to understand or communicate.
Consider which of the three categories above (or somewhere in between) your child is currently sitting in regard to the specific potential that has been noted. Look at what your options are, and whether they sit right with you and with your child.
Before leaping into multiple therapies, or being actively concerned that your child could be achieving more, first consider:
- Would they be happier or more regulated if they did reach this goal?
- Do they want to reach a higher level in that area? Do you want them to?
- What’s the cost, financially, emotionally, time-wise, and in terms of spoons?
- When will you stop / be satisfied? Have you set an achievable goal, that you can extend upon if they reach it? Be mindful not to be setting unrealistic or unlikely goals, as this will deter them from future goal-setting.
No-one, neurodivergent or neurotypical, reaches their full potential in all areas. To even try would be exhausting, and a likely exercise in failure; not fun or positive. Make sure any acknowledgment of your child being capable of more is both wanted and possible.
And if so, then go for it, and watch them grow!
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