The vast, vast majority of parents love their children unconditionally. When it comes to behavioural difficulties, one of the most confronting and devastating aspects is when parents have moments in which they realise they don’t necessarily like their child. Even for extended periods of time. The constant energy drain, emotional trauma, sleep deprivation, and even physical pain, that can accompany parenting kids struggling to regulate behaviour and emotions, can make it very difficult not to have negative feelings towards the source of that conflict.
So how do we focus on the love, in order to keep the relationship healthy and secure, while we work through the tricky parts?
Know It’s Not Intentional
“If your child could do well, he would do well… If your child had the skills to exhibit adaptive behaviour, he wouldn’t be exhibiting challenging behaviour.”
Dr Ross Greene
Dr Ross Greene, a clinical child psychologist, has developed a spectacular approach to neurodivergent children known as the CPS (Collaborative & Proactive Solutions) model. This model acknowledges that children do well if they can, not if they want to. That behavioural problems are a sign of a lack of adaptive skills, rather than a desire to act out or misbehave. As such, punishing or addressing the behaviour will not solve the problem, but probably exacerbate it. By acknowledging and addressing the source of the behaviour, the behaviour itself will diminish or disappear.
Dr Greene’s book “The Explosive Child” is a fantastic resource for parents wanting to learn this beautiful, neuroaffirming approach.
Know It’s Not Directed At You
Sometimes it feels like neurodivergent children are on their best behaviour for everyone except the person who loves them most. And it hurts! The primary carer puts in the long hours, gives the love and care, arranges the assessments and appointments, teaches and regulates and encourages and supports… and bears the brunt of the majority of meltdowns, screaming, and lashing out. This doesn’t feel fair.
And while it isn’t fair, being the focus of this negative behaviour is a clear indication that you are likely their safest person. That you have established the greatest trust, made them feel the most loved, and given them an unwavering sense of security, with you. Please find some solace in this. That you are their person, and that this means you have done a better job than anyone else in their eyes.
It is an extension of The Coke Bottle Effect, and while it isn’t a fun experience, it does demonstrate that you are in the best position possible for helping them learn the adaptive approaches they need to avoid the difficult behaviours.
For other children, it can often be the non-primary-carer parent who encounters the most challenging behaviour. This can be the child determining if they are afforded the same unconditional love they receive from the primary carer.
Give Love and Understanding
Imagine your spouse, or partner, or best friend, has desperately hurt your feelings. You’re very upset, and you tell them so. Imagine the difference between them telling you to calm down, then justifying their behaviour or defending themselves… or them immediately apologising for hurting you, validating you, offering kindness, and asking how they can help make it better. This is the difference between addressing / punishing behaviour, and acknowledging a struggling child.
If your child is lashing out, try to take a deep breath and set your feelings aside for later (note: not swallowing them down forever or dismissing them!), and acknowledge their pain with an empathetic and kind tone:
- “You look like you are having such a hard afternoon.”
- “You look like you must be feeling some really tough feelings.”
- “I can see you’re really upset right now.”
Follow this by asking if they know what would help. If they’re not sure, offer comfort, company, and care:
- “Would you like a hug?”
- “Can I sit here with you until you’re feeling better?”
- “Shall we go and have a snack together?”
Note that nothing here is leading into addressing the behaviour. No “We can sit here until you’re ready to apologise,” or “I’m happy to wait until you can tell me why you did that”.
The best role you can adopt in difficult situations is one of compassion, empathy, and love. You are simply there to make them feel safe and loved, and to assure them that they have no need to focus on guilt or shame; just on self-acceptance and calm. Do keep yourself safe, however; just because you’re an empathetic parent does not mean you have to tolerate violence or abuse.
Chatting Later
In calmer moments, discussing feelings, empathy, honesty, impact of behaviour on others, kindness, conflict resolution, etc, is also important. You will find most kids have a basic understanding of this already, even if their behaviour seems to imply otherwise. However, like so many things in life, everyone improves their knowledge and understating with education. We can’t expect our children to simply know these things, particularly if their brains are wired in a way that can make it more complicated to absorb.
When a child doesn’t feel attacked about their more difficult behaviours, and instead feels supported through their trauma, you will be amazed how many take it upon themselves to thank you for helping them, and apologise for anything that was directed at you, before you even suggest they do this.
Focus on the Love
In especially complex phases, consider keeping a daily gratitude journal, in which you only write positive things about your child. Even just one thing. Even something very simple. On the worst days, a “They look cute when they’re asleep” or a “They showed a lot of focus when using their iPad today” is enough. Better still, tell them. See them doing something kind? Tell them. Proud of them for trying to do something? Tell them. Grateful that they’re yours? Tell them.
Where possible, spent time together doing things that will result in minimal (if any) conflict. Sit with them when they’re playing online games, and ask them to teach you. Bake together. Walk the dog. Build a fort. And if the moment seems right, ask them how they’re doing. Connect when connection is possible.
It’s also important to focus on your own self-esteem. Those feelings we made sure we weren’t swallowing earlier? Give yourself space to process them away from your child. It’s okay to be sad, frustrated, hurt, and more. It’s important that you don’t allow any name-calling or criticism to impact upon your own self worth. Your child is lashing out as a means of screaming for help; they are not attacking you. You don’t deserve what is happening to you, any more than your child deserves to feel this dysregulated.
When we learn to perceive problematic behaviour as an expression of negative emotions, accept that we are a safe space rather than a target, help guide our neurodivergent kids to learn adaptive skills, and just love them to bits throughout it all, life can be a lot easier.