In any healthy relationship, feeling heard is so significant. In a relationship with a neurodivergent person – particularly an autistic person – it is crucial. Autistic people frequently feel misunderstood, unheard, and as though masking or neurotypical behaviour is the only way for them to communicate adequately. If they want their needs met, they need to express them in a neurotypical way, or expect nothing.
Outdated explanations of autism indicated that autistic people struggle with communication. That they are too literal, too direct, unable to understand nuance or implications, and unclear with their own expressions. However, more recent research shows that this is not the case.
The Double Empathy Problem
The double empathy problem psychological and sociological theory was developed in 2012 by an autistic autism researcher, Damian Milton.
While many resources online will explain The Double Empathy Problem in great detail, the long and the short of it is this:
- Allistic (non-autistic) people largely communicate in one way. Other allistic people understand them, and can easily communicate with them.
- Autistic people frequently communicate in another way. Other autistic people can understand them, and communicate with them.
- Miscommunication occurs when allistic and autistic people attempt to communicate.
Basically, it’s not so much an issue of autistic people being bad at communication as much as it is that allistic and autistic people are speaking a different language.
Neuronormative Expectations
Unfortunately, many autistic people have been subjected to therapies which “teach” them to communicate in a more neurotypical way. While this can be achieved, and many neurodivergent people do this without therapies by masking, it is clearly not a fair solution.
If we take the Double Empathy Problem as fact, it is not that autistic people are “the problem”. Both parties are speaking different languages. So why aren’t allistic people asked to learn autistic communication skills, let alone forced the way autistic children often are?
Especially given neurodivergent people are already subjected to excessive demands on their attention and energy, surely a compromise would be a first step.
Validation
This is where validation is key.
Validation is the act of acknowledging and affirming someone else’s experience or feelings as real, whether you agree with them or not.
When it comes to autistic children, it can feel illogical, but allowing your child to feel heard will minimise the amount of negativity in a stressful situation.
Take for example, the common issue of uncomfortable socks.
If your child says, “I can’t wear these socks! They’re hurting my feet,” they are already in a state of discomfort. They have clearly communicated this to you.
An answer of, “No they don’t, you wore the same type yesterday,” invalidates their experience, makes them feel unheard, heightens RSD, and adds to their discomfort. This turns into distress.
Validating your child might sound like, “That sounds painful. It’s so frustrating when clothes don’t feel right.”
You’re in a position to be curious about the details of the situation (Are they too tight? Is the seam rubbing a toe? Does the fabric feel scratchy today?). And after that, you can work out a solution (turn them inside out, try a different pair, pop them through the dryer, etc).
What Are The Steps? (Using the sock example)
1. Listen. Make sure you’re hearing what the other person is feeling, without your own filter. You hear:
“Mum, my sock is hurting me.”
2. Empathise. Even if you don’t agree. You think: “How do I feel when my shoes are rubbing, or my shirt has static, or my trousers are too tight?”
3. Repeat. Prove you have been listening, by paraphrasing what you’ve been told, without adding meaning or offering solutions. If you are unsure you have it right, be curious. You say:
“Your sock hurts. That sounds painful. Is it itchy, or tight, or something else?”
4. Normalise. Remind your child that other people would react the same way if experiencing those feelings. You say:
“No-one likes it when their clothes feel uncomfortable, let alone painful!”
5. Really empathise. Put yourself in their position. This is particularly relevant if you are aware you don’t experience things the same way as your child. You think: “Imagine being in actual pain because your socks don’t feel right. That must be so frustrating and upsetting.”
6. Connect. For some people this will be physical contact, like holding their hand, giving a hug, or simply placing a hand on their arm. For others, particularly a dysregulated autistic child, proximity might be better to start with. Our favourite in this house is generally mirroring, then physical contact. You know your child, and will probably know what would work best.
7. If appropriate, offer solutions. For adults, it is usually best to offer to offer a solution first; that is not a typo! You say: “Would you like me to help?” For children, proactive teamwork is often the most positive approach. You say:
“What can we do to fix this?”
And you know what? Trying this in any relationship will get you a long way. Give it a shot next time you’re arguing with your spouse, butting heads with a teenager, or disagreeing with a colleague.