Starting “big school” is a momentous occasion. For many kids it’s a significant step that comes with a number of hurdles. For neurodivergent kids, these hurdles can be larger or more numerous. And, it is becoming increasingly apparent to me, for kids from neurodivergent households (whether they’re ND or NT), it can be quite a leap. Some children will struggle emotionally at school. Others will be “fine” at school and emotional at home. Others will find it difficult to meet the behavioural standards required to keep themselves and others safe. And others will act out in other ways like being mean or bossy to other children. There will be ND kids, and kids from ND families, who don’t appear to experience any difficulties at all when starting school. But what about those who do?
Surprise Struggles
In many neurodivergent households, what your child needs becomes the norm. And in many cases it can be so normalised that you no longer perceive it as an accomodation.
For example, we have very tight strings of connection at times, providing unwavering support when it’s required. This also means providing it in case it’s required, and gradually removing it. This is our normal. It allows our kids to develop a sense of trust (in the family, and in the world), which produces courage and resilience when they’re ready. And when they’re not ready they know they’re not going to get shoved out of the nest. It’s the slightly slower path to positive attachment, really.
But when this approach is the norm, sometimes milestones – like starting school – can be too quick and forced. They’re used to leaping when they’re ready, maybe with a gentle push, maybe with someone leaping next to them. But there’s not always a lot of choice in how this is approached when school begins. As a result, kids who appeared ready, and keen, and confident, and capable, can struggle with separation.
Similarly, kids whose movement is accommodated at home might find it confronting to need to sit for extended periods. Or that they’re not allowed to walk around while eating their lunch.
While it can be difficult to accept that parenting strategies that are hugely beneficial – even necessary – at home could be somewhat detrimental at times in a neuronormative world, it is important to shake off any guilt. Your child is hitting some tricky bits in an environment which frequently fails to embrace authenticity. The fact they feel safe at home is a good thing. The fact they know what feeling safe is, means it’ll be easier to find this in other environments.
Bridging the Divide
Just as these kids have been accommodated at home – either for their own needs, or because it’s the household norm due to someone else’s needs – any difficulties they face settling into school need to be acknowledged and validated.
This doesn’t mean pandering to all demands (unfortunately, Mummy really can’t come to kindergarten, however fun it looks!). Accepting those big feelings as real is a healthy first step.
One of my kids loved me to draw a heart on her hand so she had a physical reminder that I loved her wherever either one of us was. Another, however, said she absolutely did not want me to do that! She thought it would remind her to miss me after she’d settled down and forgotten about the separation.
Discussing the difficulties – whether they’re behavioural or emotional (not that these are separate issues!) – outside of the moment is far more impactful. Trying to reason with your child when they’re clearly dysregulated is highly unlikely to have a positive impact next time. Validating and coregulating is best during the difficulties. Gently raising the issues again later is more likely to result in genuine insight and useful strategies.
Accepting that little things might be a little tougher in the meantime will give your child a few extra spoons to burn at school.
Preparation
Preparing children for starting school is very important. This is frequently facilitated by the school itself at the end of the previous academic year.
Some children will benefit from social stories around morning routines, going to school, and beginning the school day. Meeting their teacher, or being allocated a “safe person” in advance can help. They can transition some of their safety needs away from parents and to school staff instead.
It can be beneficial not to overshare, or overprepare, your child for potentially difficult elements. If you focus heavily on separation, when they weren’t concerned about this, it might convince them that they should be worried.
Anxiety can rear its ugly head at any point. Sometimes well ahead of time, and then that child will start school with no obvious concerns. Whereas sometimes the most confident and capable child can be hit with anxiety at the last step.
When to Protect?
School Can’t is a known and genuine issue. It is accepted that some children are significantly better off being homeschooled. So how do you know when this is the case, and when you’re facing the usual starting school complications?
A meeting with your school head of LaST will allow to you discuss any concerns, and for the school to implement known strategies from their side too. Helping your child settle into school is not only the parents’ responsibility.
Talk to your child about which parts they find tricky, which parts they enjoy, how they feel about school overall, to gain perspective. The child who struggles most with separation might actually adore school, and be mortified by the idea of not being “allowed” to go just because they’re sad about saying goodbye each morning.
Remember that kids, both neurotypical and neurodivergent, can do hard things. Sometimes this is achieved using alternate methodologies, but just because it’s evidently tricky doesn’t mean it can’t be done. Or that your child doesn’t want it to happen, or wouldn’t thrive by overcoming the hurdle in question.
Every hurdle your child overcomes, however much assistance and accommodation is required, builds their resilience and teaches them to meet the next hurdles with a little less fear, anxiety, self-doubt, or dysregulation.
The Parental Walk of Shame
Okay, so it’s more a walk of sadness most of the time. But the feeling that hits when you walk away from school, leaving behind a distraught child, is awful. Many parent report similar feelings after meeting with their child’s teacher to discuss problems, or leaving school with their dysregulated child at the end of the day.
For some parents it’s a sense of shame or embarrassment, thinking the teachers and other parents are judging them or their child.
Others experience a blow to their self-esteem, that they mightn’t have parented their child well, haven’t prepared them properly, have not supported the development of secure attachment.
Some are blatantly sad, out of empathy. Heartbroken that their child is having to do something that makes them miserable or angry.
And some express feeling anger, at the teacher for approaching their child incorrectly, at the school for not being supportive enough, or even at their child for “being naughty”.
Whatever you feel, remember your feelings matter too, and you are just as entitled to kindness and support as your child.