“Take a good hard look at yourself,” is generally a fairly brutal, critical phrase.
In the world of parenting neurodivergent children, it’s simply excellent advice.
How many aspects of your child’s behaviour or experience had you thought was perfectly normal because it’s what you do? What your parents did. Your siblings. Your spouse.
How many times has a family member or close friends dismissed your child’s confirmation by saying, “That’s not ADHD! Everyone does that. Even I do that!”
You might be neurodivergent yourself.
Neurodivergent people are significantly more likely to enjoy the company of, befriend, and even marry, neurodivergent people. Most neurodivergencies are being shown increasingly to have an hereditary/genetic component.
- If you had an inkling “something was not quite right” with your child long before anyone else. Especially if you found it hard to get a GP to agree…
- If you notice that a number of your peers are being diagnosed with ADHD, or confirmed as autistic…
- If your child has been diagnosed/confirmed…
- If your parents dismiss their grandchildren’s neurodivergence because they believe it’s normal behaviour that needs disciplining…
…There’s a good chance that many aspects of your life that you find complicated could actually be down to neurodivergence.
But I’m A Parent and I Have a Job
While many people grew up with the belief that neurodivergent people were not capable of employment, relationships, marriage, pregnancy, parenting, etc, as the understanding of neurodivergence has increased, so too has the acknowledgement that neurodivergent people can be capable of all the same milestones as their neurotypical peers.
- Parents who find the constant noise and activity of parenting intensely overwhelming…
- People who enjoy their kids’ company more than most adults’, and who tend to enjoy “childish” activities…
- Adults who have grown up being told they’re lazy, disorganised, over-sensitive, weird, etc, but have “found their people”, married someone who also has their own quirks, and now have children being confirmed as neurodivergent…
…have I got news for you!
Not all of you, of course, but many of you will be neurodivergent.
No, it’s Mental Illness!
Many neurodivergent people of the generation(s) currently with children have at some point been misdiagnosed with a mental illness. Especially at critical points relating to hormonal changes, such as being adolscent, pre- or post-natal, or perimenopausal.
While sometimes the symptoms are similar, it is often caused by the neurodivergent experience, not an actual mental illness.
For example, people with generalised anxiety disorder experience unexplainable worry about common occurrences and situations. For neurodivergent people, the experience of anxiety is logical – not unexplainable – as the neuronormative world presents many ongoing stressors and concerns.
Similarly, people with conditions such as bipolar effective disorder, or depression, often experience these feelings despite external factors. Neurodivergent people experience depression due to exhaustion and burnout, and what is seen as mania is often hyperactivity, stimming, a lack of impulse control (a common factor of neurodivergence), or even extreme excitement over special interests.
This is not to say that neurodivergent people can not have mental illnesses. Or that you should dismiss your doctor and stop taking your meds if you suspect you’re neurodivergent. However, should you feel the diagnosis doesn’t fit; the meds aren’t working; and you have a child, relative, or close friend who is neurodivergent; it might be worth considering whether your mental health concerns are occurring naturally, or if they are potentially being caused by your neurodivergent experience.
What’s the point?
Many adults who have identified as neurotypical throughout their lives feel it is pointless to pursue any confirmation of neurodivergence, as they’re “doing fine”. Others have been conditioned into a sense of helplessness where this is as good as it could possibly get anyway. Many also feel they would prefer to avoid any stigma currently attached. For those who are querying their neurotype due to going through the diagnostic process with their child, they might feel like that is exhausting enough without adding another person’s needs into the mix.
However, there are many reasons that you might want to go further if questioning your neurotype:
- Coping better through, for example, use of medication for ADHD, sensory tools for autistic people, and text/font processors for dyslexia. Acceptance of a skills deficit also makes us more open to integrating strategies and coping mechanisms into our lives, such as alarms, therapies, and groups.
- Self-recognition and self-forgiveness. There is significant power and self-esteem boosting in being able to recognise that you are not stupid, lazy, crazy, dishonest, over-sensitive, etc, but simply neurodivergent.
- Awareness of co-existing conditions. There are a number of conditions that have a high degree of co-existence (also known as comorbidities), including Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, Mast Cell activation syndrome, auditory processing disorders, rejection sensitive disorder, and postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome. Similarly, the likelihood of having ADHD if you are autistic, for example, is significant. Knowing you are neurodivergent allows you greater insight and understanding of yourself as a whole.
- Asking for accommodations. If you are a neurotypical person who works in an office, and find it incredibly difficult to concentrate when there’s too much noise, it can be difficult to address this (this, in my opinion, is just as wrong as ignoring the needs of neurodivergent people, but that’s a whole other story). If you are neurodivergent, it becomes easier to feel empowered to ask for accommodations. And easier to have these requests supported.
- Greater awareness of self. It’s a bit of a magical journey, once you realise you’re neurodivergent after a lifetime of just not feeling quite right. People often find they are able to be more authentically themselves, and start to realise things about themselves they hadn’t previously noticed. It’s a largely positive journey of self-discovery and happiness.
- Connection and empathy with your child. Not only will you have greater understanding of your child’s emotions and struggles, by accepting your own, but your child will have a role model and ally. The connection between neurodivergent parents and children is very special, and can be hugely beneficial to both parties.
Does it have to be official?
In order to qualify for NDIS support, to receive medications for ADHD, to access some areas specifically for neurodivergent people*, or to gain the right medical assistance, you will need to commit to a formal assessment. This process begins** by approaching your GP and asking for a referral.
However, within the neurodivergent community, self-recognition is perfectly valid. If you can recognise yourself as autistic, want to treat yourself like you’re autistic, want other people to treat you as autistic… then so be it. No-one wants to see your psych report for you to join an online group, don’t worry. Nobody is going to ask for proof before you buy a rainbow infinity badge at the markets.
Self-identifying neurodivergent people are welcomed into the neurodivergent community, often without self-identification even needing to be acknowledged. If you say, “I’m autistic,” you will rarely have anyone asking if it’s formally diagnosed or you self-identify.
So unless you feel the need to access any of the medical support specific to formally diagnosed, you might want to skip the assessment. Alternatively, there are organisations who will run you through the basic diagnostics for signifcantly less cost than a psychiatrist/psychologist, and give you an overview of what your neurotype is likely to be. This gives you the reinforcement that some need that you’re not imagining it, and can also be an easier gateway to discussing your neurodivergence with your GP.
How Do I Know?
If you’ve been through the process with your child, chances are you’re already very aware of the signs of neurodivergence. Possibly even an expert by this point in time!
However it does present differently in adults, and can present differently in males and females.
If you’d like to gain greater insight before talking to your GP, consider educated, informed online tests such as these:
Want More Help?
If you want to talk through the aspects of your life that you feel might indicate neurodivergence, or discuss the benefits of accepting and understanding your neurotype, get in touch.
* It is largely seen by neurodivergent people as hugely inappropriate for sensory rooms, safe spaces, etc, to be treated in this way. Very few neurodivergent people carry any sort of “proof”. There is no membership card for the club. No-one wants to carry a multi-page report in their handbag wherever they go. We don’t all have matching tattoos. So while some places will ask for “proof” if you ask to use a sensory room, this is not acceptable behaviour and should be reported.
** in Australia