Q. Why does my kid constantly complain about being bored even when we are busy?
Mum of girl aged 5-8
A.
It’s a really interesting that this question should come through this week, as I have had this conversation with three separate people in the last five days, including regarding my own Autistic child.
One asked about their child frequently “whining” about being bored, walking around the house aimlessly. This usually ends in a meltdown if not assisted.
The other two had the experience of their child frequently announcing they were bored as they walked out of school. This is accompanied by finding it difficult to function in terms of getting home, carrying their school bag, or discussing their day.
There are a number of reasons that neurodivergent kids might express boredom.
Regular Old Kid-Boredom
Kids, neurodivergent or neurotypical, complaining about being bored is completely normal.
It can be down to having too many options to choose from, an inability to determine their wants and needs, being tired, or a number of other things.
Just because your child is neurodivergent doesn’t mean that every single glitch, complaint, or perceived flaw is either down to their neurodivergence, or readily fixable.
If they’re just plain old bored, then let them be bored to some degree. It’s excellent for their imaginations, self-regulatory skills, and problem solving. If the complaints don’t stop? Offer suggestions, then offer for them to do some housework if they can’t settle on something; usually does the trick!
Dysregulation
If you’re unable to tell which is the issue, assist your child to lean one way or the other. “Do you feel like you’d like to do something loud and busy, or find somewhere quiet to sit down?”
In a variety of environments, your child might complain of boredom when they are feeling under- or over-stimulated. Depending on your child’s sensory needs, an imbalance in stimulatory input can lead to a feeling of boredom. And a lack of clarity regarding solutions.
While sometimes this isn’t the most convenient situation if you’re out shopping, for example, it’s important to recognise how proactive, self-advocating, and, frankly, amazing your child is being by reaching out to you in this way. To you they might appear to be whinging about being bored. In reality, they might be warning you that a meltdown is imminent in current circumstances.
If your child was epileptic and told you they felt a seizure coming, or your child was asthmatic and warned you they were struggling to breathe, or your child was toilet training and told you they needed the toilet, you would praise them and react accordingly. Your neurodivergent child expressing discomfort or dysregulation is no different.
If you can help your child regulate their sensory input, or make a plan with them (“Do you think you can hang on until I’ve paid for these things, and then we can go somewhere you can run around?”), you might find the anxiety regarding the feeling of an impending meltdown is alleviated, which in itself will reduce the meltdown risk dramatically.
Alexithymia
A common difficulty amongst the neurodivergent community is an ability to accurately recognise and/or name emotions. This is known as Alexithymia.
Your child claiming boredom might actually be a catch-all phrase to explain that they are feeling a “not good” emotion. Interoception processing issues can make it difficult for your neurodivergent child to pinpoint the specific source of bleh.
“Bored” is often used to describe lethargy, exhaustion, frustration, indecisiveness, hunger, or a lack of spoons.
Validating your child’s claim of boredom (“Oh no! That is not a fun feeling!”), then offering seemingly-unrelated solutions can help solve the problem without triggering PDA or RSD. Comments like, “Should we grab a snack first, or take five minutes to relax and cuddle?” can guide your child to actively process their needs. They might not be able to actively recognise that they’re hungry, however they may still reflexively know that a snack is more appealing than rest.
How You Can Help
Whatever the cause, and however triggering the presentation is to you, remember your child is reaching out for help. Work with them to resolve as much of their discontent as possible to prevent a meltdown or trauma.
- Validate their feelings, and be prepared to help
- Ask guiding but indirect questions (do not ask “Do you think you’re hungry?”, etc, as this feels like invalidation given they’ve just clearly expressed they think they feel bored)
- Accept that they might just be bored!