Q. We are very lucky that my son (autistic age 7) has been invited to most of the birthday parties for his classmates even the ones that are a small group instead of the whole class. But for me it’s really upsetting because when we’re there it’s really obvious how different he is to his classmates. They try to include him but a lot of the time he doesn’t join in like everyone else or does things his own way. His classmates are very encouraging of him but he doesn’t notice. When he joins in the games they act like nothing’s wrong but then he starts doing his own thing again. He flaps a lot, he doesn’t eat most of the party food except salted chips, and he’s not good at following instructions in the organised games without someone helping him. He’s happy at the parties and gets angry if I suggest turning down any invitations unless we’re busy. How can I teach him how to act like everyone else at the party?
Mum of boy aged 5-8.
A.
It’s really important that every parent who contacts More Than Quirky knows they are fully supported, and that reaching out for guidance is an amazing, admirable act. Your child is so fortunate to have someone who wants to learn more about their neurotype. It is great that he haves someone who wants to support him.
Sometimes part of the advice we give isn’t always what you’re expecting though, and I strongly suspect this is going to be one of those situations.
I will be quite brief, I’m afraid, in answering your actual question.
How can I teach him how to act like everyone else at the party? You can’t, and – unless he is causing harm to himself or others – you shouldn’t. Just as you wouldn’t take a boy to a party otherwise comprised of girls and ask how to make him act more like a girl, or you wouldn’t take a white kid to a party of Asian children and ask how to make your child act more Asian, you don’t need to try to assimilate your neurodivergent child into a group of neurotypical people. We coexist! It isn’t always smooth or straightforward, and there can be glitches and differences. But segregation and/or assimilation is as offensive when it comes to neurotypes as it is when discussing race.
Points to consider
- If your child is being invited to most parties, is that people being inclusive (you and your son being “lucky”)? Or is it that your child is wanted and included because they are likeable, a good friend, and/or part of a group?
- Where you refer to your child’s peers as his classmates, could you refer to them as his friends? They invite him to parties, they include him in the activities, they’re encouraging… this sounds like friends to me. 7 year olds are only beginning to develop concrete operational thought, with the majority still in a very egocentric cognitive phase. As such, they wouldn’t be likely to be inclusive and supportive of someone out of obligation or social expectations. They’re far more likely to be doing this because they genuinely want to include and support your son, because they like him and like having him around!
- Free the stim! Your son stimming at a birthday party is a fantastic method of self-regulation in a potentially overwhelming environment. The fact he actively wants to go to the parties, and then is happy when there, demonstrates that he’s doing a great job of regulating sensory and emotional needs. Stimming is probably a significant contributor to this success. What a great achievement for a 7 year old!
- Not all kids are good at all things. Some kids won’t attend a football themed party, for example, because they don’t like – or are even scared of – playing football. Other kids sit on the edge at a pool party, because they can’t swim well enough. Some kids go to parties with art activities, and don’t produce artworks that look as great as other kids. It. Doesn’t. Matter. Whatever your child’s neurotype, they’re not going to be fantastic at everything. If your child isn’t great at following instructions and wants some additional support, let him have it.
Motivations
What do you think makes these parties so upsetting for you, when you see your child behaving authentically?
Does your child hurt other people, or themselves?
Do people at the parties make critical, judgemental or sympathetic comments?
Do you carry your own personal trauma regarding not fitting in?
Are you finding it hard to socialise with the other parents at the party, and reading it as ostracism?
You might find that if you can pinpoint what is actually making these parties difficult for you, you’ll be able to address the actual problem. Personally, I don’t think the behaviours you’ve suggested in your question are genuinely the issue. It doesn’t sound like the problem is your son.
Your Feelings Matter Too
There is no shame or judgement in acknowledging that having a child who isn’t what you expected can be confronting.
Some people experience it in gender dysphoria, when they have a son when they were hoping for a daughter.
Other people are really disappointed that their child isn’t very coordinated, when they themselves love sport and were hoping for a sporty child.
Even people with gifted children can find this surprise difficult, and even unwelcome at times, because of the additional challenges and needs.
I know of a couple of people who were vocally disappointed with their child’s hair type! They were looking forward to doing tidy braids, and instead encountered less manageable hair, or had a boy who wanted short hair.
If you discover that the feelings you’ve mentioned do turn our to be your own struggles, and not actually any problems your child is encountering or other people are pointing out, ask for help. Look for neuroaffirming support groups. Not #autismmoms, not parents who feel hard done by for having a neurodivergent child. Find parents who want to support each other through the tricky bits, and work collaboratively to see each other’s children thrive!). See your GP to ask for a referral to talk to a psychologist or counsellor about your experience. It might even be that you need support for depression or anxiety. Maybe it’s just that their experience is a little too close for comfort.
Whatever the reason or cause, you deserve to feel happy. You deserve to have the freedom to appreciate how wonderful your child is, as his friends appear to! And your child deserves to feel loved and accepted for their authentic autistic self.