While many of the posts on More Than Quirky relate to the understanding and accommodation of needs for children, it is important to occasionally acknowledge issues faced primarily by neurodivergent adults. Sometimes this is to raise awareness of these issues, and the support required. It may be to demonstrate the complications that arise in later life when children aren’t supported appropriately. Sometimes it is both.
Much is said about people with ADHD having poor sleep patterns, hyperactive behaviours impacting on potential rest, and disorganisation leading to poor time management and therefore minimal downtime. But what about when that rest time is available, and still doesn’t result in rest? And what can we do with young people to prevent this in adults with ADHD?
The Endless List
Many adults with ADHD struggle with executive function, leading to multiple complications in terms of time and task management. While this doesn’t mean people with ADHD deserve downtime any less than they non-ADHD peers, it does mean it often feels like there is still an endless “to do list” looming. It is hard to relax in the face of a seemingly insurmountable task list.
Poor Self Esteem
In the face of this long list of endless chores, many people with ADHD also live with diminished/low self-esteem. This makes it very difficult for them to prioritise their own desires and self-care over tasks and chores that are often inferred as being for someone else. The reward of folding someone else’s washing can feel like it would be greater than the reward of lying down and watching a favourite TV show (spoiler alert: it’s not!).
Anxiety and Hyperactivity
Similarly, almost 50% of people with ADHD are also diagnosed with anxiety. This makes the act of relaxing, particular when it comes to letting go of expectations and perceived demands, especially difficult.
Those with ADHD who experience hyperactivity, mentally or physically, will struggle to relax for similar reasons.
Trading Out
Along the same lines as the relaxation problems encountered due to poor executive function, many adults with ADHD live with an ongoing negative cycle of finding themselves “relaxing” in a way that is neither relaxing nor rejuvenating. Intending to do a task, or tasks, and instead encountering task paralysis often results in extended periods doing non-productive activities such as scrolling through social media. This does not provide the majority of benefits – if any – of relaxation. It can mean that when an opportunity arises for genuine relaxation, people with ADHD feel they have already used their allocation of relaxation time (albeit without choice or benefit), and therefore don’t feel they have the right to relax “again”.
Childhood Baggage
Many, if not most, adults with ADHD shoulder a significant burden from childhood of being misunderstood and judged. The word “lazy” is a frequent trigger. Children with ADHD are often mislabelled as lazy, even when accurately diagnosed, due to mismanagement and misunderstanding of their condition. It is crucial that parents are not only provided with a diagnosis, but understanding and appreciation of their child’s neurotype.
As an adult, these children are so desperate not to look lazy – even though that’s not even what they were as children – that they are unable to pause. They fear that any relaxation, however well earned, well deserved, or much needed, will be perceived as laziness. The impact of this is so great that many will work themselves into burnout rather than risk looking lazy.
Risks
Neurodivergent people are at increased risk of mental health conditions and burnout. Lack of relaxation and respite is a significant factor in this, and conversely, can act as a strong preventative. It has been indicated that neurodivergent people might actually need more sleep and rest than neurotypical people, potentially due to social pressures, masking, additional effort required to succeed.
How Can I Help?
Just as we teach our children to brush their teeth to keep them healthy, to try to eat a balanced diet to keep our bodies well, to protect our ears from loud noises to keep them safe… it is crucial that we teach our children to relax. Actively relax. Not just burn time on screens, but to think about what would give them a sense of calm, lower their heart rate and blood pressure, release endorphins and dopamine, and let their bodies and brains rest… and act upon this.
For some children this will need to be a relatively active plan to meet sensory and/or hyperactivity needs. Others will find it difficult to relinquish the anxiety and control in order to relax. Some will initially find it difficult to distinguish between relaxed and bored. But, much like any other life skill, it is an important aspect of life to develop and improve. Possibly even more importantly for people with ADHD.
It is also important to avoid misjudging and labelling your child as lazy. It is also necessary to avoid using relaxation as a reward for executive function success. If you’ve asked your child to clean their room, and they have done everything within their power to achieve this, if they were due some downtime later in the day they still need this downtime whether or not that room is clean. Approaching this task might be just as exhausting as cleaning up would be for someone with typical executive function skills.
For adults, some will need to be regularly reminded that they have earned the right to relax. Others might need additional encouraging, such as offering to book spa treatments or cinema tickets (if they find these relaxing). Forcing relaxation may trigger PDA, so encouraging it is a preferred option. Similarly, approaching from a different angle, such as praising them for their efforts (whatever the outcome) may help them to accept they’re worthy of rest.
Whether the person in your life is a child – whom you can help develop healthy perspectives – or an adult – for whom you can facilitate some relaxation and downtime – genuine relaxation is not often easy for people with ADHD. But it is endlessly beneficial.