When you have unmanaged ADHD, there is a constant sense of failure. Forgetting appointments, losing things, feeling overwhelmed, time blindness, silly mistakes… it never ends. And when you try to fight against these failing, you find you are fighting against all apparent failings. The line between “I mess up because I have ADHD” and “I’m imperfect because I’m human” is not just blurred; it is invisible. And so, at great cost, many high-masking ADHDers don’t just seek to overcome the difficulties presented by their neurotype. They inadvertently seek perfection. The very people who find it difficult to stay focused and organised, become the perfectionists. Not only does this set us up for an even more ever-present sense of failure, but it gives the outside world the impression we’re thriving. We’re amazing! Superheroes! We’re aspirational! Really, we’re drowning in a sea that’s even rougher than the neurotypical world is swimming in.
An Acceptable Level of Failure
As a person with ADHD, criticism is constant. Some of it is external, for being late, forgetting things, not hearing correctly…
IT IS ESTIMATED THAT THOSE WITH ADHD RECEIVE 20,000 CORRECTIVE OR NEGATIVE MESSAGES BY AGE 10. THEY VIEW THEMSELVES AS FUNDAMENTALLY DIFFERENT AND FLAWED”
– WILLIAM DODSON MD
And some of it is self-inflicted. Losing your keys, and wasting valuable hours every year looking for them and other random objects, is infuriating. Letting down the people you love is heartbreaking.
It is crucial to realise that children are sponges. What we demonstrate to them, is what we teach them. We criticise them? We teach them to criticise themselves.
Self-inflicted criticism is compounded by external comments. If it feels like people see your failings as problematic, then obviously you should too, right? The difficulty is that it makes self-forgiveness harder, and means your neurodivergent child is increasingly likely to be overly-critical of themselves.
If it feels like every time your child forgets to unpack their school bag, they are criticised for it, then how can they learn when to cut themselves some slack? How can they know that neurotypical people also forget things, lose things, mishear things? For a child with ADHD, the constant influx of criticism for ADHD-related difficulties is teaching them that all similar difficulties are failings. Add to this the additional impact of criticism for people experiencing Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), and it’s devastating.
There is no benchmark set for what is an acceptable level of tardiness, forgetfulness, messiness, and happy chaos. They are given the impression that the answer is: none.
Perfection becomes the goal, often subconsciously. And because this is never achieved, this is perceived as another failing and the cycle continues.
Saving Face
If an ADHDer is a perfectionist – knowingly or otherwise – they will often protect themselves from criticism by presenting the most favourable image possible.
“Did you clean your room?”
The honest answer might be, “I tried, and I couldn’t get organised enough to do it in an effective way. Then I lost track of time, so when I realised it was almost the time you said I needed it done by, I just shoved everything in my cupboard, but it’ll look fine when you look through the bedroom door.”
The spoken answer is more likely to be, “Yep, have a look! It looks so tidy!”
This is often seen in adults, who present themselves on social media to discuss their struggles with ADHD, wearing a full face of makeup, hair done beautifully, with a flawlessly clean and tidy room in the background. While it may be that these are not aspects of life they have difficulty with, it is often the case that they are presenting their best possible self, at a cost. The clutter is on the other side of the camera. They look fantastic, but beneath the screen they’re wearing pyjama pants. They ate a handful of cookies before filming because they realised they hadn’t eaten yet today. They’re dehydrated, and potentially supposed to be at an appointment they’ve forgotten.*
As a result, the observer sees a clean room, a well-presented Instagram reel in a perfect home… and sees this as an illustration of the person. People praise the clean room. The beautiful make up. The social media content. The magazine-worthy home.
While this is what the person is hoping to achieve, because it challenges the endless influx of criticism, it also unfortunately fuels their need to continue to seek perfection. It adds pressure. The fake perfection receives the praise the ADHD person yearns for when being their authentic selves.
They get little to no credit for the incredible exertion required to achieve what they’re doing, and yet continue to receive criticism when they don’t.
Finding the Line
As a parent, whether you are neurodivergent or neurotypical yourself, you can help your child avoid the pressure of perfectionism in a number of ways, including:
- Telling them you’re happy when not you’re perfect: “I didn’t manage to get all the laundry put away today, but I’m so proud of myself for getting the washing done!”
- Setting realistic goals, against unrealistic ones: “I wish I could through my entire to list today, but that would need a fairy godmother. I’m hoping to tackle the kitchen, and give myself some reading time this afternoon.”
- Praising them for clearly less than perfect results: “You got ready for school today with hardly any reminders. Awesome work!”
- Pointing out other people’s less-than-perfect achievements: “Did you see that goal? Wow! She so deserved that after those missed attempts. So determined!”
- Demonstrate potential improvements without posing them as a negative: “These cookies turned out really well. They’re delicious! I think next time I might add a bit more butter so they’re softer. What do you think?”
And, as always, talk about it. Tell them you’re not expecting them to be perfect. Give them license to pull you up if they feel you’re being needlessly critical, even when you’re being gentle. “I did my best, Mum,” is my reminder that I’m not taking everything into account, at which point I can apologise for criticising, decide whether “better” is necessary, and offer to help if it is.
When you see your child spending an entire day to clean their room, ask them if they want help. Check they’re doing it because they want the tidy space, not because they want you to be happy or to appear perfect. Encourage them to give themselves a break, literally and figuratively. But also let them achieve their goal if that’s what they want. Don’t prevent success by trying to avoid perfection!
Affirmations
While it might seem cheesy, positive affirmations are magical. Particularly when it comes to people who feel constantly overwhelmed by a flow of criticism.
Teaching your child to speak well of themselves, and to hear these words coming from you in the first place, is so valuable.
Sit with your child and get them to repeat positive affirmations back to you, write them on pieces of paper and stick them where their child will see them frequently, use them when applicable in day to day life.
For the ADHD child struggling with criticism and perfectionism:
- My best is the best I can do, and it’s great
- People can offer their opinion, but they do not have the right to judge me
- I deserve kindness and compassion
- I’m brave
- I’m determined
- I am enough
- I am doing brilliantly
- I find these things harder than many people, and I still give it my best
- I am good at… (put anything here, from “I’m good at making Mummy laugh” to “I’m good at my timetables” or “I’m good at problem solving”)
Check Yourself
When you’re parenting a neurodivergent child, there is a lot of intentional guidance and shaping involved. We need to teach our kids things that parents of neurotypical kids take for granted. But as a result, our lines can also become blurred. What is appropriate guidance regarding cleanliness, and what is criticising your child’s ability to tidy? What’s a beneficial conversation about hygiene, and what is criticising your child for not having neat hair? What is a good lesson about using cutlery, and what is criticising your child’s table manners?
Try to phrase critical information as guidance, and to give a “why” where possible. Trust me, it’ll make you question why we pretend it’s so important that you fold your underwear, or that you use utensils all the time when you’re at home and no-one actually cares!
If possible, delay your feedback. Telling a child who has just set the table that they’ve done it incorrectly is more likely to be perceived as a criticism, than helping your child set the table the next time while reminding them what’s needed and where it goes.
And don’t forget the praise. Praise the effort. Praise the outcomes. Praise the resilience when they “fail”. Praise their communication. Praise them for advocating if they push back against criticism. Praise them for existing, for their authenticity, for trying. Praise them for going hard on their best days, and for pulling through on their tough ones. Be grateful for your child, and make sure they know about it!
* I am certainly not saying all ADHD adults on social media are faking their successes! Many are managing their ADHD very successfully, and genuinely achieving all that is presented to camera. However, it is known that a number of ADHD social media influencers have acknowledged this to be the case.
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