Parenting a neurodivergent child can be exhausting and upsetting. I feel it’s okay to say this, because I am both that parent, but also that child. There is no judgement, nor any guilt, loaded into that statement. Parenting any child can be exhausting and upsetting, but yes, realistically, there are probably likely to be more tough days than average if your child is neurodivergent.
When you have a child prone to emotional dysregulation, RSD, PDA, etc, and likely to already receive more corrective feedback and criticism than most kids, the last thing you want or need is to feel like your own struggles are adding to the problem. It can be an horrific cycle, particularly if you are neurodivergent yourself. You set each other off. You both carry guilt and shame. You face life with pessimism and fear, even in the face of great moments and huge successes.
Your response is understandable, but it doesn’t have to have a negative impact beyond the feeling itself.
Recognising the Kettle is On
Meltdowns, echolalia, stimming, and expressions of dysregulation, can be massively overwhelming for both the person expressing them, and anyone in their proximity. Particularly those with an emotion connection. Even more so for those with any sort of emotional responsibility! Recognising the physiological response to your child’s most overwhelming behaviours is key to managing it.
Attributing an analogy to an increasing response can help you visualise your limits.
For me, when that first hint of tightness appears in my belly, I tell myself the kettle is on. My child gets the same tightness when she’s facing dysregulation. The more overwhelmed I become, the higher up my chest I can feel the bubbles boiling. It is my job to flick that switch off before it gets too high, where it will bubble out my mouth in words I don’t want to say.
If I don’t recognise the bubbling when it’s low, it’ll hit me before I have the opportunity to tackle it.
Explaining and Apologising
There are certain parts of our daily routine that one of my children struggles with massively. It’s a combination of sensory avoidance, PDA, boredom, frustration, and being a kid. What should literally take a minute or less, takes around an hour most days. In short, it drives me nuts. But you know what? It drives her nuts too.
The days I start being a bit short with her about it, pushing too hard, or expressing my frustration, I can guarantee I’m only adding time to how long it’ll take. She does not need to also be shouldering guilt, at making mummy frustrated, making her family run late, making other people miss out on my time. It’ll only slow things down.
It doesn’t mean I can make my own feelings go away, or that I’m always capable of masking them.
So what can I do? I can communicate.
- I remind her the uncontrollable frustration and anxiety she feels over her task is the same uncontrollable feeling I get regarding the task of getting her to do her task! She can relate to that. She knows it’s not a choice or a judgement.
- I explain that if I do show any sign of frustration or annoyance it is at the situation, not at her.
- I tell her how much I love her, and that I know how hard it is to have feelings you can’t control. Particularly ones that don’t seem logical. I tell her I know she’d do the task if it was as easy as just doing it.
Outside the Moment
Like so many conversations about the tricky parts of neurodivergence, discussing this interaction with your child when neither of you is heightened is ideal. Any feedback, or corrective criticism, is best delivered with love and kindness, and not immediately following the trigger. A warm drink, a nice snack, removal of distractions, a snuggle in the sunshine… and chatting about these feelings.
Consider discussing some of the tips and tricks regarding:
Don’t just apply these tips to your child, but to your own emotional regulation. Whether you’re neurodivergent or neurotypical, the overwhelm of raising a neurodivergent child often creates the same emotional response.
Fit Your Own Mask First
If you’re finding yourself frequently losing your temper, or struggling emotionally, you don’t have any obligation to shoulder this alone! Your needs and your feelings are just as valid as your child’s. Please reach out to your GP for help if you’re not coping, or even if you feel you could be coping significantly better with some appropriate support.
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