Often one the greatest difficulties parents of autistic children face is a feeling of “What about me?”. When this is related to time, stress, etc, it is a valid feeling, and one that ought to be addressed. However many parents share a feeling of not feeling loved by their child. That they give and give, and do not receive. While this might be the case sometimes, it is often, yet again, our neuronormative society making things difficult. We have needs, and these are valid. Wanting hugs and physical affection, wanting to be told we’re doing a good job, wanting to hear gratitude and validation. But do our children have an obligation to meet these needs? Or is this something that could – even should – be met elsewhere?
And are we – the parents – the problem anyway, expecting love to look or sound a particular way? What if it’s already there but we are being stubborn waiting for cuddles and an “I love you”?
Love Languages
Personally I don’t ascribe to the belief that the “5 Love Languages” (introduced into mainstream pop psychology by Gary Chapman) should be completely separated from each other. That people each have a primary love language, and that the omission of others should be accepted by their partner provided the primary language is frequent. Or that we should not expect our partner to meet our needs if it doesn’t suit their preferred love language.
I agree that these languages were defined from a white, Western, cismale, heterosexual perspective, without taking into account other races or cultures, gender differences or identities, sexual identity, or neurotype. But I do think that as a vague umbrella, it’s not a dreadful grouping.
I appreciate that everyone will demonstrate these differently, and will have areas they are more and less skilled in. And that many people will prefer to receive love in one way more than another. I believe all five expressions of love are equally important, and should all be present in healthy relationships if possible.
These five areas are generally accepted to be:
- Words of affirmation
- Physical touch
- Receiving gifts
- Quality time
- Acts of service
Neuronormative Expressions of Love
When it comes to love languages, we have a preconceived notion of what these should look or sound like.
- Words of affirmation – words of encouragement and gratitude, active listening, random messages, and ensuring that effort is recognised and not ignored
- Physical touch – body language, non-verbal communication, hugs, kissing, and a lack of physical abuse or neglect
- Receiving gifts – thoughtfulness, unexpected presents, gratitude for gifts, remembering special occasions
- Quality time – focused and uninterrupted conversations, one on one time, creation of special moments, avoiding distractions, acknowledging when one on one time hasn’t been happening and resolving this
- Acts of service – Expressing a desire to lighten their load, saying you want to help, doing things such as chores, cleaning, making meals, etc, undertaking both small and large tasks, and not forgetting to complete tasks or undertake tasks you’ve promised
Autistic Expressions of These Love Languages
Many people have addressed the ways autistic people often express their love which are more specific to the autistic experience. I think it’s important to specifically address that this is not separate to these societal expectations. It is simply a different presentation of these same areas, demonstrated in a way other than the neuronormative manner.
Some of the areas that have been suggested as autistic love languages include:
- Infodumping
- Parallel Play
- Support swapping
- Deep pressure
- Unusual gifts (penguin pebbling)
- Helping without words
- Lovebombing
- Unmasking
Comparing the Lists
So what do these autistic love languages look like, and how do they fit with neurotypical expectations?
| Autistic Love Language | Traits and Expression | Neuronormative Love Language |
|---|---|---|
| Infodumping | Sharing a large amount of detailed information in a short time on a topic of interest or a passion. | Quality Time and Receiving Gifts; focused one on one time, sharing something that is of great importance to them, with the hope that it will give you the same glimmery buzz it gives them |
| Parallel Play | Playing – or doing an activity – nearby, without necessarily interacting, demonstrating an interest in joining in your activity, or offering for you to join in theirs. | Quality Time; one on one time, wanting to be near you, respecting that you and they might have different preferences in activity (also see Unmasking) |
| Support Swapping | Actively offering to meet your needs, offering to help, and expecting the same in return (not necessarily at that time). Recognising that autism is a fluid neurotype, that some days they have more to give than other days, and that you might have the same experience. | Acts of Service; helping when they feel you need it, offering if they’re unsure |
| Deep Pressure | Bear hugs, sometimes referred to as “Please Crush My Soul Back Into My Body”. | Physical Touch; the biggest, strongest, longest hugs they can imagine! |
| Unusual Gifts AKA Penguin Pebbling | Giving random gifts as a sign of sharing, love, and to demonstrate they have been thinking of you. Anything from “I found this pretty leaf” to “I made you a sandwich” to “I saved you the last chocolate in the box” to “I drew you this picture / knitted you a hat / glued some craft supplies together for you” and everything in between. Sometimes called Penguin Pebbling, as some species of penguin attract mates by offering/accepting smooth pebbles. | Receiving Gifts and Acts of Service; giving glimmers in the hope you feel that goodness too, ensuring you know you were thought of, and trying to meet a need even though it might not exist for you at the time (ie, bringing you a cold drink, chopping fruit for you, making you a sandwich when they were making one for themselves) |
| Helping Without Words | Joining in on chores like folding laundry, sitting down and helping with a puzzle, helping carry in groceries, weeding the garden, etc, without necessarily saying anything. Sometimes begins with a “May I help?” or confirming what needs to be done, but generally the task is undertaken without conversation. | Quality Time and Acts of Service; this is much like parallel play and support swapping. Spending one on one time with you, or offering help or support with tasks to alleviate your perceived workload |
| Lovebombing | Saying “I love you” frequently, giving many hugs, potentially draping themselves over you or climbing into your lap, writing lots of notes or drawing lots of pictures. | Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation; an attempt to take a very big and potentially overwhelming feeling such as love, and express it adequately in acts and words. The autistic version of “I want to scream it from the rooftops!” |
| Unmasking | Being authentically themselves, both positive and negative. Dropping any acts of pretending to be neurotypical. Demonstrated in itself by the acts above! | Quality Time; giving you the honour of seeing their true self, not feeling the need to pretend to be more interested in what you’re doing if they aren’t, demonstrating their genuine feelings to you, illustrating just how safe and loved they feel in your presence. |
Bids for Connection
A bid is any attempt from one [person] to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or any other positive connection.
The Gottman Institute
As humans, particularly in one on one relationships, we make and receive bids for connection.
As the parent of an autistic child, your bids may not be noticed or acknowledged. You might not notice your child’s bids so easily.
Your child might need some conversation around this, to explain to them that it’s okay to decline a bid, or compromise. And you might need to be more explicit.
For example, in an allistic parent-child relationship, a bid for a hug might be as simple as a smile and a head tilt, a little more obvious by scooting over slightly when sitting on a sofa, or more obvious still by putting arms out. While many will, not all autistic people will be able to recognise this someone wanting or offering a hug. Only this morning my husband said, “I’ve been following you all around the kitchen because I wanted to hug you.” I was busy walking around doing chores, and thought I was blocking whatever he needed whenever he got close behind me so moved out of his way! And I love hugs!
A solution could be as simple as asking, “Can I have a hug?” or “Can I give you a hug?”, depending on your purpose/intention.
By teaching your child that a bid is not a demand, they will be more able to either give you the hug, or say “no thank you” with the knowledge that you know that “I don’t feel like hugging right now” is not the same thing as “I don’t love you or care about meeting your needs”. You might even find your child offering, “No thank you. I don’t feel like hugging this morning,” or even, “No thank you. High five instead?” to attempt to meet the bid for physical connection you have communicated.
Seeing Love
So if your autistic child does not tend to make eye contact, is nonspeaking, and doesn’t like physical contact, investing your hope into them hugging you and saying, “I love you!” every day will likely be a disappointing experience for both of you.
However, do they wander into the kitchen when you’re making dinner and sit at the kitchen bench to play on their tablet, rather than staying in their room or going to the living room? That’s Parallel Play.
Do they sometimes push against you in a way you don’t understand, such as wedging you against the kitchen cupboards, or moving along the sofa until you’re pressed against the armrest and feel like you’re being squeezed out? That could be an attempt at giving you the positive feeling of Deep Pressure without giving you a hug.
Some expressions of love can be even more subtle. Almost invisible unless you know what to look for. Do you find yourself eating the last quarter of their toast every morning because they never eat that piece? Maybe that’s for you, because they see you are busy, and they see that you eat it each day.
Reassessing What Love Looks Like
While these acts might not meet the need you feel you have to hear “I love you”, if you can reprogram your brain to appreciate that these things mean precisely that, you might find yourself able to receive more love than you even realised was being offered.
After all, what is “I love you?” but a collection of sounds in English we have been taught illustrates that wonderful feeling in our bodies?
It has the same impact when spoken in other languages for people who speak that language, right? So try to learn your child’s language, rather than spending forever feeling unloved if they can’t speak yours…