Part of being autistic that people don’t often talk about is the internal struggle. There’s a lot of talk about sensory sensitivities, specific likes and dislikes, avoidant behaviours, and fears. What is rarely mentioned is when these things occur in direct conflict with each other, potentially leading to significant distress.
Take, for example, an autistic child who enjoys the sensory experience of swimming. They also enjoy social interaction. Their family is on a holiday, and their siblings are in a swimming pool with a parent, and are having a great time. It’s not a very warm day, but it’s a lot of fun. The autistic child wants to join in. However, when they put their feet in the pool, it is too cold.
Isn’t This The Case For Everyone?
Yes, the water feels cold for everyone. But what the allistic family members can’t appreciate is that their choice to accept how cold it is, or to adjust to the cold water after a while, is not the same experience the autistic child is likely having. For this particular autistic child, cold water is not just cold. Their interoception interprets this degree of cold as pain. Their sensory processing goes into massive overload. It’s not just cold. It hurts, and every part of their body is screaming RUN!
However their ‘heart’ is screaming, “I want in! I want to swim! I want to join in on the fun!”
It’s devastating.
It’s a clear example of when neurodivergence others us, and makes us miss out on things we want to be part of.
Is It Just About Sensory Issues?
Most neurodivergent people want to feel loved and included, and want the experience of friendship that their neurotypical peers have. However, social skills, object permanence, self-esteem, voice tone, info-dumping, and many other elements that are different between neurodivergent and neurotypical people can make socialising and friendship very difficult. While neurodivergent people may still experience loneliness, rejection, and social isolation, this doesn’t help improve their ability to successfully development and maintain friendships. They want friends, but they want to be authentic; there is often a large gap between the two.
There are many combinations of head/heart says yes, body says no (or even body says yes, head/heart says no!), that can be a consciously frustrating, debilitating, exhausting experience for neurodivergent people.
How Can I Help?
Firstly, in these situations, it’s important to know what not to do.
- Don’t state what appears obvious to a neurotypical person: “If you want to do it, just do it!” It is not that simple. Do not apply your logic to a complex situation.
- Don’t apply neurotypical experiences as absolutes: “Once you’re in the water you’ll adjust to it and have fun.” It might be sound advice to suggest as a possibility, but not as a fact.
- Don’t express frustration, annoyance, or irritation at the neurodivergent person’s behaviour.
- Don’t pretend to help, then force instead, for example offering to hold them with only their legs in the water, then dunking them up to their neck as a joke. Trust is crucial in neurodivergent relationships.
- Don’t leave them distressed while you continue with your fun. This can be complicated when there are multiple people’s needs to cater for (siblings who want to swim, for example), but it is important that everyone’s needs are acknowledge and met with a balanced approach.
Instead…
- Express empathy: “It must be so frustrating to want opposite things at the same time.” Even better, genuinely try to empathise, and imagine how awful it would feel to be in this situation!
- Consider forfeiting your own experience sometimes, to minimise the sense of isolation that comes with this conflict. Get out of the pool and offer to go and do something else, or swim for less time that you would have otherwise.
- Do not make this situation about you by being a martyr: “It’s okay, I’ll get out. I do love swimming but I suppose I can do it another time so you don’t feel lonely.” (The impact of this sort of language on a non-literal neurodivergent person is devastating).
- Ask the neurodivergent person if there’s anything you can do to help. They might want to try the experience they’re resisting, in small assisted steps, to see if they have the negative response they’re fearing.
- Be patient, be loving, offer ideas without giving directions, and let it go if it doesn’t go to plan.
Planning Ahead
Once you have encountered one of these situations, there’s a reasonable chance the same issues will arise in a similar environment next time. So plan ahead! If you know swimming on cold days doesn’t tend to go well, consider:
- avoiding it
- packing extra warm clothes
- purchasing a wetsuit or something similar for swimming
- planning warm drinks or food immediately afterwards
- having other activities simultaneously available
- sharing the juggle with another adult/parent (one goes swimming with the swimming kids, one does something else with the non-swimming kids, then swap on another day)
This sort of planning and problem solving can be applied to almost any conflicting situation.
Could It Be Something Else?
Yes, absolutely. Other factors of neurodivergence such as PDA might be the reason your neurodivergent child is struggling to get in the pool. However, if your child is expressing a desire to do something then saying, “But I can’t,” it may well be internal conflict.
Always remember your neurodivergent person isn’t doing this for attention, to be difficult, to make waves, to ruin your adventures, or to manipulate the situation. Their response and needs are just as valid as those of the people enjoying the experience, even if that makes things a bit more complicated.