One reason many autistic children fly under the radar – and why many of us don’t even recognise our neurodivergence for what it is until adulthood – is because of one of the 7 standard responses: fawning.
It is also a significant contributor to the Coke bottle effect, and burn out.
What is Fawning
Fawning, put simply, is using people-pleasing (consciously or otherwise) in avoid conflict, and earn the approval of others. It often appears as part of neurodivergent masking.
People who fawn commonly:
- Frequently, if not constantly, seek to please and appease others
- Rely on the reactions (thoughts and emotions) of others to determine their own thoughts and emotions
- Develop an inability to set boundaries and say no
- Lack personal identity, sometimes imitating others, other times appearing to have no personality or interests
- Lose sight of their own beliefs, ideas, morals and ethics
- Ignore their own needs in order to address others’
- Respond to criticism with apology, praise, or admiration
Because of the internalised focus of fawning, and the fact that the external presentation is largely a positive experience for those on the receiving end, fawning is rarely perceived as problematic. If perceived at all!
So what’s the problem?
The Cause
Outside of neurodivergence, fawning is considered a trauma response, used to establish a sense of safety. This trauma response is often developed as a reaction to repeated traumatic events, opposed to single-event trauma, such as childhood neglect or ongoing abuse. It is important to think how this applies to neurodivergent people, and what the implications of this are.
Fawning is a response to trauma.
It is not a case that neurodivergent-fawning is not a trauma response, but that neurodivergent children frequently experience trauma from micro-aggressions that aren’t intended as damaging, let alone abusive.
Neurodivergent children are
- known to receive thousands more criticisms (corrective or negative messages) per year than their neurotypical peers
- put in timeouts, punished, or otherwise disciplined for what are thought to be tantrums, but are really meltdowns
- told frequently to stop flapping, stop talking, stop fidgeting, sit still, pay more attention, listen better. Effectively criticised for being themselves
- actively compared to other children who are presenting in a way that is treated as preferable
- described as annoying, lazy, stupid, “too much”, weird, irritating, and more
- rarely praised for specifically neurodivergent behaviours
- rewarded for behaviour that is the result of fawning
The consequence of this is trauma, due to being frequently and constantly criticised and moulded. Fawning is not only a response to this, but an especially effective solution as it often results in the opposite – praise.
The Price
If fawning is something a neurodivergent person does without being actively asked to do, it solves a problem they face, and results in praise, isn’t it a good thing?
No.
Absolutely not.
Fawning, like all types of masking, is exhausting. It burns many spoons, destroys sense of self and self-esteem, diminishes the strength and legitimacy of friendships and other relationships.
Neurodivergent people deserve the opportunity to be themselves, and be celebrated for who they are. Not to be forced to play a character in order to have their needs met.
Over time, excessive fawning frequently results in adults forming dangerous and unhealthy personal relationships, where they are at greater risk of being mistreated. These self-diminishing behaviours can also lead to mental health concerns, attachment disorders with potential children, and increased likelihood of spousal abuse.
As a parent, it is important that you are aware of the risk of fawning behaviours, and act if you see them in your child.
How fawning Might Appear
As fawning is largely a positive experience, externally, it is one of the more difficult negative behaviours to identify. You might notice your child:
- Fighting hard for something, then acting like they don’t mind or never wanted it if you say no
- Thanking you for setting them straight when you criticise them
- Saying “I love you” after you express negative emotions like anger
- Behaving “perfectly” at school, but not at home
- Apologising excessively
- Acting in a way that appears more sycophantic than helpful
- Not behaving in the expected way (disappointment, frustration, sadness) if they miss out on something
HOW TO HELP
Amazing things you can do for your neurodivergent child, whether regarding fawning or otherwise, include:
- Resisting the urge to criticise or shape your child, particularly in relation to non-harmful neurodivergent behaviours such as stimming, atypical play, echolalia, etc.
- Asking your child to name their feelings, particularly when faced with conflict. If they are told they can’t go to the cinema with their friends, then respond that they are feeling happy, chances are they are fawning. Whether they act on their emotions or not, it is important to help your child identify“bad” feelings like anger, frustration, sadness, hurt, and jealousy, and to accept that having these feelings is okay.
- Validating your child and their needs. Ensure they are thinking of themselves, not just others (not always giving away all the favourite lollies before choosing one for themselves, not always letting a sibling choose what TV show to watch, feeling empowered to speak up to ask for food or drink or a break). Actively praise them for expressing a preference, or self-advocating.
- Modelling this self-validation and self-care for your child, then prompting them to join in. “I’m going to sit down and have a coffee, because I’ve had a busy morning. When are you going to take some time for yourself to relax or have fun today?”
- Encourage them to set boundaries. Start with home, allowing them to take these lessons into school and other social settings. For example, if you hear a sibling convincing your child to play a game they don’t like, say something like, “You’re very kind for playing that with them. I know you don’t like it. Are you sure you want to play? It’s okay not to. Maybe you could play one round of that, and then play your favourite game?” And then encourage the sibling to accept the new choice too.
- Actively discourage fawning. If you see it, point it out, and tell your child they don’t need to do it. If it persists, tell your child you don’t like it, because you want them to be themselves and you love them for them.
Make the fawning the thing to gently reshape, not the neurodivergent behaviours.