Empowering neurodivergent people through understanding and conversation
Extended Family Events: Thriving At Christmas
For even the most neuroaffirming family unit, Christmas celebrations with extended family can be incredibly difficult for families with neurodivergent members. Some find this is down to the lack of accommodations. For others it is due to blatant judgement. Some children are dysregulated by particular family members. Parents can be frustrated by their usually-regulated child having a “bad day” in the presence of so many family members. Obviously these potential “bad days” are absolutely understandable, due to the chaos that Christmas usually provides. But many parents worry about the extended family’s perception of their child, and how accurate it is.
So how do we best cope with – let alone thrive – during an extended family holiday celebration?
Unapologetically Authentic
Remember that spoons will likely be spent at a faster rate than normal at Christmas. Between excitement, changes in routine, stimulation from lights and decorations, increasing socialising, and everything else that comes with the festive season, there possibly will be fewer spoons left for spontaneous needs.
If your child isn’t likely to want to eat the foods on offer, why should this be their only option? It’s their celebration too, right? Pack a lunchbox. Don’t apologise for doing so. If you need something refrigerated/reheated, ask with the same breeziness you’d use asking where to pop a bottle of bubbly.
Enable their happiest, and most relaxed, interactions. If family tends to expect them to do their best voice-speaking, but your child prefers their AAC, bring the AAC! They don’t have to do something just because they technically can. Let them save the spoons for more important things, like playing with cousins, looking at Christmas lights, or cuddling Grandma.
Bring all the usual supports your child loves to have on hand during their more intense events. Chewy necklaces, fidget toys, ear defenders, compression gloves, sunglasses… arm them to be their most regulated and relaxed they can be in the face of the happy craziness.
Discuss plans with your child for if/when they need a break. Is there a room where you’re going that they can go and not be interrupted? Will you go and sit in the car together? Maybe plan to take a walk around the block if things get tough. Knowing there is an option, that that is acceptable, and not needing to use any spoons to discuss it at the time, will not only make any tricky moments easier but might help prevent them.
Educate The Extended Family
If it’s been a while since you’ve seen your extended family, or there are people attending who either don’t know your child well – or have a history of not connecting well with your child – it’s fine to send them an email, letter, or text message in advance.
It can be a natural response to expect your family to have a neuroaffirming approach, and accept your child as they are, but it’s really important to acknowledge that many people simply don’t know what the right and wrong thing to do is. Even with the best intentions, if not experienced or educated in the area, it can be so easy for them to make hurtful errors. Help them be their best, for their sake as well as your child’s.
What’s Off Limits?
Ask them not to comment that your child is eating something different to everyone else. Tell them that judgements and criticisms aren’t necessary, and won’t be welcomed. Give them a heads up if your child is unlikely to say thank you for gifts. Explain how and when this gratitude might appear differently. Remind them if your child is not a hugger, and that it’s not okay to insist.
Set Ground Rules
…in terms of teasing, mocking, pointing out differences, etc. Crack down on talking about your child like they’re not in the room, or talking about them with negativity at all. If your child is likely to enjoy toys typically intended for a younger age group, or doesn’t like toys and only wants things related to vacuums, this isn’t up for discussion, ridicule, comment, or anything in between.
Open the Floor
Give people the opportunity to ask any questions in advance of the event, so they feel prepared and confident in their approach too. Sometimes people will avoid, in order to avoid making mistakes, and instead it feels like dismissal or ostracism.
Have Resources Ready
You are almost destined to hear at least one invalidating comment from your extended family along the lines of, “Oh, but aren’t we all on the spectrum?”, “Back in my day we would’ve had that ADHD thing fixed quick-smart by a good smack!”, “My naturopath says you can fix dyspraxia with a herb mix…” or “You should send him to more social events so he has to learnt to talk more!” It’s frustrating, it can induce feelings of rage, and it can make it really hard to be the level, positive, educating influence that we – as parents and advocates – need to be a lot of the time.
One way to allow yourself to breathe through the fury more often is to be armed with resources. Links and files you can offer to shoot across to their phone. Even a print out or two for the less technologically-able at the gathering.
There are so many resources available. Obviously what you provide will be so heavily dependent on your child, their traits, their needs, and their neurotype. But a few that might be useful include the likes of:
Neurowild, including:
Lived Experience Educator, including:
At Peace Parents, including:
Or even articles from More Than Quirky! If there’s a particular topic you’d loved to be armed with information about, reach out and I’ll see what I can provide for you, either from my own resources and archives, or from the vast wealth of information in the neurodivergent neuroaffirming community.
Preempt Problems
If there are key things that tend to dysregulate your child, or key issues your child encounters when dysregulated, preempt them as much as possible.
Even if your child is generally well-versed at self-advocacy, accept that these events don’t always play out like regular days or other events, so can leave them unable to voice their needs. It could be that they feel too overwhelmed or out of place to feel comfortable speaking up, it could be that they don’t want to interrupt you having fun and socialising or being busy, or it might be that they’re so distracted by everything else that interoception goes out the window temporarily.
For example:
- If loud noise can be problematic, but they seem to be tolerating it, check in quietly. Acknowledge how loud it is in the house and ask how they’re holding up. Offer ear defenders or a break.
- If “hanger” (hungry-anger… not the thing you put clothes on in your wardrobe) can be their downfall, no matter how busy or distracted they are, ensure they’re eating and hydrating regularly. Avoid sugar overload as much as possible. Sugar crashes combined with spoon fatigue and end of day dysregulation is a dreadful feeling!
- If toileting is a hit-and-miss exercise, remind them discretely on a regular basis. Judge whether or not taking “no thanks” for an answer is a good idea for your situation. For some kids the reminder is enough, for others they need to actually go and try, etc.
Call Time
Just because you’ve accepted an invitation, it doesn’t mean you have to stick to the same practices as everyone else.
If your child is obviously hitting a wall, it is okay to say your goodbyes and head home.
It can be a good idea to discuss contingency plans before you head out:
- Will the whole family leave when a particular person needs to leave? Are they all on board for this, won’t be resentful, and understanding of the need to be altruistic?
- Or will one parent take that child home, and the rest stay? Which parent? Are they sitting well with the feelings around potentially having to leave early? Does your neurodivergent child understand that their siblings will be staying? FOMO can be incredibly confronting if not processed in advance.
- Is there a likely time this will happen, so should there be targets in place? Can we make it through Christmas lunch? Can we get through presents? Can we stay til everyone else leaves? If you know the threshold is relatively low, can you discuss plans with the hosts to see if the aspects that are important to your child, or family, are covered earlier in the day?
When it is time to go, try not to guilt trip your child by telling them you’ve been having a great time but suppose you could take them home. Focus on the positives! Ask them what they enjoyed most. Share your happiest experience. Praise them for any achievements that are likely to have been taxing. Thank them for sticking it out as long as they did.
And yes, this is even if you’re carrying a screaming child mid-meltdown back to the car.
Don’t Go!
You know what? If an event like this with extended family is going to be virtually impossible, you don’t have to go. It doesn’t matter what your family think, how much they try to make you feel guilty, whether they tell you “it’ll be fine”… if you know it’s a recipe for disaster, you could:
- Not go, do things your own way, and leave it at that
- Try to catch up with the extended family in a less stressful environment or fewer at a time
- Host Christmas yourself (for some this is even more horrific because there’s no opportunity to leave! But for others it’s easier because you’re more able to set the tone and rules)
- Arrange for one parent to take the other kids to the event for a shorter period, not only allowing them the interaction they want, but also allowing your neurodivergent kid some downtime
- Have the parent related to the family pop over the day before, or even on the day
The Most Important Thing
Christmas is a very special time of year for many people. Including neurodivergent people! Christmas is probably my strongest glimmer, and frequently pops up as a hyperfixation (also known as a “special interest” or SpIn) for me.
So when it comes to making plans like these, it is best not to make assumptions. Many of us are so fuelled by the Christmassy-ness of Christmas, that we have spoons in abundance on that day. Some “gain spoons” from seeing our extended family, particularly if our particular flavour of neurotype isn’t knowingly present in our immediate family, but has clearer representatives in the rest of the clan. Many of us know what to expect, how to prepare, and what we’re going to need, because it’s something that happens every year so we’re well-versed in it. Some accept the utter lack of spoons, the overwhelm, the exhaustion, because it’s worth it, and just know we’re going to need to take it easy for a few days afterwards (and seriously, isn’t this most people’s approach anyway, neurotypical or neurodivergent?).
Don’t Assume
Don’t assume that your child’s abilities or hurdles throughout the year will come into play, or look the same, when it comes to a Christmas event. Talk to them. Explain what the event is likely to look like, how it’s going to play out, who is likely to be there, and what the rough timeline for it is. Even create a social story. Then discuss how they’re feeling about it. Do they foresee any difficulties? Work to their plan.
While they won’t always be accurate about their predicted abilities and outcomes, if they want to give something a shot it’s worth doing with preparations in place.
And if you prepare, educate, advocate, and give your extended family the opportunity to ask questions; and go with the flow as much as possible in terms of your child’s needs, you will hopefully be amazed at how much easier these events can be.
Article originally published December 2023.