More Than Quirky has been quietly brewing for a while, and I had no intentions of going live with any content for some time yet, but after this weekend’s events it didn’t feel right to stay quiet. If not now, when?
This weekend, Meshel Laurie, lashed out – unprovoked – accusing Em Rusciano, of faking that she is autistic.
Em had shared on social media that she was interested in utilising the sensory room at Marvel Stadium during the Harry Styles concert (awesome resource, by the way!). Meshel’s response to this was a number of Tweets including:
My first reaction was dread. Absolute, pit of the stomach, empathic dread. I imagined how I would feel in Em’s position, and figured this would be a combination of anger, overwhelm, RSD-to-the-max, assumption that everyone probably thought what Meshel was saying but just hadn’t said it publicly, and utter exhaustion. I wanted to tear apart every sentence of her posts and spell out, line by line, why she was wrong, to put her in her place, and to say, “How dare you?!”
Having your neurodivergence questioned, dismissed, weaponised, and ignored is devastating. To then have the perpetrator- particularly one with neurodivergent family members – double down is just gross.
Em Rusciano handled the situation with grace and kindness. Textbook “this is how it’s done, people” stuff. I hope she has taken a moment to give herself the credit and waggy-tail that this deserves; this is a huge achievement for anyone, but when it comes to the additional complexities of being neurodivergent (the RSD, the PDA, the damaged self-esteem, the emotional dysregulation, the childhood trauma…), this generosity and wherewithal to achieve a calm and rational response in this situation is massively commendable.
Meshel seems to believe that Em’s disclosure of her diagnoses is for clout or to jump on some neurodivergent bandwagon (okay, so the club is pretty awesome, and the superpowers are epic, but I don’t think anyone is going to take on the baggage by choice), whereas I feel Em is doing all neurodivergent people a huge service. Where Meshel believes Em is lying because she couldn’t possibly be as capable as she is if she is autistic, what Em is actually doing is showing autistic people what they’re potentially capable of. For too long the media image of autism has been purely the non-verbal, stimming, non-focused child, perhaps with an astounding dose of savantism thrown in to make them interesting. Yes, these people can also be autistic, and yes, they do exist. But the neurodivergent population is so much more, well, divergent, than this.
Claiming that someone can’t be “very far along the spectrum” implies that Meshel Laurie thinks that Autism is linear. Parenting an autistic child with this in mind must be so complicated. Expectations must be skewed. Behaviour must be incomprehensible. The future must be so daunting.
I would estimate that I have spent hundreds of hours of my life at live music events, festivals, and gigs – including performing. I have also walked out of a concert at a favourite venue, performed by a much-loved artist, because the comparative levels of the vocal mic and the instruments were frustrating me too much. I have rarely attended evening festivities at friends’ houses after concerts, because I needed to go home to crash or stim; likewise after my own performances. I have spent most Sundays after Saturday festivals either lying on the sofa willing myself to eat/shower/dress/shop/clean, or in a frenzy of creativity. A few times I’ve been out of spoons before the festival has even begun, and have bailed. You can be autistic and attend concerts, or even perform in them.
Not only did Meshel Laurie risk doing great harm to Em Rusciano, she risked causing immense trauma to other neurodivergent people who were reading her material, who are now questioning how much they are similarly judged when they express that they can be autistic and go to concerts, have a high stress job, parent well, be a doctor… anything. That they can be More Than Quirky. I hope people have seen this attack for what it is, and have not been hurt too badly. I cannot fathom putting this sort of ableist negativity into the world as the parent of an autistic child.
Then there were the people who followed Meshel’s lead. Who think autistic people are one thing and one thing only. Who believe it is their right to tear down anyone who dares claim their brain is wired differently to neurotypical people’s. Or, frankly, who troll for their own obscure gratification. Em Rusciano, when it comes to these people who followed Meshel’s lead:
Nolite te bastardes carborundorum
Do I think Meshel Laurie is a “bastardes” for what she said, or the fact she said it? In all honesty, no. My gut instinct was to be angry and to criticise, and while I am still critical of her behaviour, I am not critical of her. I feel sorry for her. Don’t get me wrong; this is not pity – I can empathise. Being the parent of an autistic kid can be insanely exhausting, mindboggling, isolating, stressful, terrifying, confronting, and more, no matter how hard you try, how much you adore them, or how amazing the non-tricky parts are. What many of us utilise to overcome the difficult parts is patience, and hope. But what if you’re parenting an autistic child, and your personal belief system is that an adult with a successful career, big personality, gorgeous family, and big fan base couldn’t possibly be autistic, what limitations does that place on your own child? What pessimism does that taint your own experience with? If Meshel Laurie doesn’t believe Em Rusciano could be autistic, does that mean she doesn’t believe her own child can be successful?
While stats are patchy (because confirmations of neurodivergence, and studies on families are patchy at this stage), there is a clear indication of a heritability / genetic link when it comes to neurodivergence. While I can’t speak for Meshel’s experience, there is a statistically reasonable chance that the overwhelm she is feeling, the irrational lashing out at Em, the literal interpretation of what it means to be autistic, could be indicative that she herself is neurodivergent. I can’t make that judgement. I don’t know her, or know much about her at all. However, removing Meshel specifically from this scenario, another parent in her situation, particularly one who is struggling, melting down on social media, and literal, could benefit massively from pursing confirmation of neurodivergence for themselves. But if they don’t believe that someone like them – with a career, with a family, managing a high needs child – could possibly be autistic, they are preventing themselves from accessing the support and resources that they both need and deserve.
I believe Meshel is overwhelmed at the moment, whether in a neurodivergent or neurotypical way is irrelevant, and was triggered by Em’s post about attending a concert. Maybe because she can’t imagine her son ever enjoying a concert one day. Maybe because she wishes she’d been able to go to the Harry Styles concert, but needed to stay home to look after her autistic child. Maybe because today was a day that parenting meant it was hard to shower, eat, think… breathe… and so she lashed out. I’m not sure there is anyone who hasn’t said something they regret when struggling with someone unrelated. Personally, I’d be devastated if all of my minor meltdowns that manifested as me lashing out unfairly at someone were in the public domain, and required a public apology to resolve, or for me to double down. What an horrific thing to face. I suspect she is in as much turmoil about all of this as Em, really, if not more because at least Em has the right to brush it off as someone else’s drama. My greater thoughts of kindness and love are with Em, because she did nothing to deserve any of this pain, but we’ve all made mistakes – big and small – and I think we’ve all appreciated when people have seen our “bad behaviour” for what it is, and have forgiven us and offered love and support.
But there are better ways to cope with that bubbling up, gut churning, heart clenching, overwhelm than to attack other people.
So do I think Meshel was wrong? Absolutely.
Do I think she’s a bad person? Not at all.
Do I wish I knew Em Rusciano’s address so I could send her a care package today? YES.
Do I hope that both Em Rusciano and Meshel Laurie are being loved, supported, counselled, and cared for today? Without a doubt.
Being autistic can be hard. Parenting an autistic child can be hard. Doing both can be hard. It’s not a competition. We need to empathise and support each other, whatever our situation. And instead of attacking someone else for something we don’t have or we are not, we need to approach them with respect and kindness, and ask for tips as to how to achieve something similar.
For what it’s worth, if anyone ever tells you they’re neurodivergent, honour it. It’s not an excuse. Sometimes it’s an explanation. But it’s never an excuse.