Christmas Lunch and The “Fussy Eater”

There are two important things to remember when it comes to Christmas lunch and neurodivergent kids. Firstly, it is a social construct, not a necessity. Secondly, you and your neurodivergent child do not owe conformity to anyone. Not even the people you love most. In fact, especially not the people you love most. If your child finds eating Christmas lunch at a family gathering difficult, that is okay. If this situation remains difficult, that is not okay. So why might this be a tricky situation for some kids? And what can you do to make Christmas lunch a happy time for all involved?

Why Christmas Lunch Might Be Difficult

There are many reasons why Christmas lunch might be a tricky situation, particularly if held with extended family/friends. Even more so if at someone else’s house.

Obviously if meal times are already something your child finds difficult, you possibly already have strategies around this. (If not, feel free to get in touch with More Than Quirky for some help!).

But if mealtimes are generally pretty straightforward at home, albeit utilising your own accommodations and strategies, and Christmas lunch is traditionally a bit of a disaster, it could be for one these reasons:

ARFID

ARFID is Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder. Studies indicate that up to a third of people with the eating disorder ARFID are known to be autistic. Around a quarter are ADHDers.  The primary trait of ARFID is selective eating and/or a limited interest in eating food. It is generally not related to body image, and usually linked to one or more of the following:

• sensory issues, such as intolerance of particular tastes, smells, textures, or visual aspects
• poor executive function / interoception disorders / low appetite, including forgetting to eat and not recognising or feeling hunger
• intense fear of choking or vomiting, to the degree that the person will choose not to eat in order to avoid these risks

If your child is an ARFIDer, Christmas lunch can be very overwhelming. Not just because of the expectations people have of them, but the immersive experience. Being surrounded by food and people eating can be very triggering. It often also requires significant burning of spoons to self-advocate or tolerate comments (both judgemental and those intended as helpful).

Distrust / Fussiness

As is mentioned frequently on More Than Quirky, neurodivergencies such as autism and ADHD involve a “disability of trust”. This is both learned from their treatment by society, and a natural trait of their neurotype.

Even if your child is not an ARFIDer, trusting that someone else’s roast chicken will taste like Mum’s roast chicken can be a big ask. It can feel like a safer option to not try it, and this can be heavily questioned by family members who know your child loves roast chicken (not knowing what they actually love is Mum’s roast chicken). Some adults will even resort to guilt-trips as a terrible attempt at encouragement: “But I made this especially because I knew you were coming to visit!”

Or it might be that the potatoes aren’t cooked as much as they like. The vegetables are touching. There are sesame seeds on the bread rolls. Anything different to your child’s norm, however minor, can trigger a sense of anxiety or fear due to mistrust. Hunger can feel like a safer option, because at least they know what that feels like and what to expect.

Noise

Christmas lunch is notoriously noisy. Utensils on plates, multiple conversations, Christmas crackers, chewing, laughter, music… It can be very overwhelming for someone who is sensitive to sensory input. Removing factors sometimes allows neurodivergent people to tolerate the rest to a greater degree. In this case, the taste, smell, and texture of food.

Sometimes all the spoons can be used coping with the sound input and volume levels. There are none left for eating.

Sitting still

If your child usually doesn’t sit still to eat, or tends to eat quickly rather than spending a prolonged period of time at the table, it isn’t reasonable to expect that they will be able to sit still for a long time just because it’s Christmas.

Distraction

Christmas is full of distractions. Away from the table there are gifts to ogle or new toys to play with. There are decorations and lights. There might be novelties such as pets, or a cousin’s belongings. 

At the table there are frequently bright colours, interesting decor, sparkly tinsel, candle flames, an array of smells, different people to talk to or look at, and a chair that doesn’t feel like the chair they normally sit in when eating.

And often during Christmas lunch there’s the promise of dessert. Pudding, pavlova, ice cream. If you’re not keen on hot lunches, it can be difficult to prioritise when there’s a cake sitting in front of you!

Your child might simply be distracted. They might be fine eating the food on offer, hungry… but distracted.

Communication

If your child experiences communication differences it can be very hard to be heard at a busy lunch. This could include:

• childhood apraxia of speech
• using an AAC device
• situational mutism
• social differences and difficulty recognising opportunities to speak
• anxiety, and more

To let someone know you need help cutting your meat. Asking someone to pass you a bread roll. Saying you’re out of water. Telling someone you don’t have a fork. Not recognising the process for grabbing a plate and serving yourself, and not being able to ask for clarification.

Don’t assume a lack of eating is down to not wanting to eat. It may be that your child simply needs additional support to achieve the outcome you both want.

Dysregulation

Christmas is notorious for dysregulation. Late nights, busy days, a change in diet (hello sugar!) and overexcitement can mess with sleep. School holidays already mean the reliable routine is out the window, and Christmas celebrations can be exponentially worse. Lunch might be at noon every day for your child, and suddenly it’s Christmas Day so it’s at 3pm! They might always play until lunch is served, but on Christmas Day they arrive at someone’s house right before the meal.

And then there’s the overstimulation.

If your child is dysregulated, the basics like eating, toileting, and behaviour are often the first to be impacted.

So How Can I Help?

Again, your child does not owe anyone conformity when it comes to something as frivolous as eating Christmas lunch. As long as they are not hurting themself or anyone else, or causing damage to property, they’re all good. They deserve to feel as happy, safe, and fulfilled as everyone else. So if your child is struggling with Christmas lunch, how can you help?

Safe foods

Take a lunchbox. Or let the host know you would appreciate a little space in the oven to cook chicken nuggets. There is absolutely no reason your child must eat the food cooked at the house you’re going to. Nor is there any law that says they must eat something that looks like traditional Christmas lunch. Instant ramen? A Vegemite sandwich? Apple slices and a handful of Jatz? It’s food, it’s lunchtime, it’s Christmas, therefore it’s Christmas lunch.

As mentioned above, don’t rely on the fact the host is being kind and offering to cook something your child loves, unless your child has okayed this as a solution. Even frozen chicken nuggets can be rejected if they’re the wrong brand, or tempura coated instead of crumbed. You want your child to have access to something they want to eat, and feel safe eating. And perhaps today is the day to okay Salt n Vinegar chips for lunch; afterall, it’s Christmas.

Practice

Your child might be hesitant not to conform. They might actually want to sit down and eat Christmas lunch with everyone else, but feel unsure about the foods. Especially when it comes to things that aren’t often eaten at other times of the year! 

Find out what your host is planning to serve. In the weeks leading up to Christmas, allow your child to try various elements. They like the ham on their sandwiches at school, but do they know that carved ham tastes the same? Maybe they love chicken and duck, but can’t remember what turkey tastes like, and are worried they won’t like it and will feel rude saying so. They tend to love green vegetables, but everyone makes jokes about brussel sprouts being disgusting-are they?!

Allow your child the opportunity to turn uncertainties into safe foods ahead of the day, without the time pressures or audience.

Uncertainty

Sometimes the anxiety around Christmas lunch is about everything except the food, so remove as many of these factors as your child wishes. Depending on your child’s ability to communicate and their levels of self-awareness, your best approach is to ask your child what their concerns are.

Maybe at home they only use plastic placemats, plates, and utensils, and are scared about staining their aunt’s beautiful fabric Christmas tablecloth, or breaking a ceramic bowl, or the clattering noise of metal utensils on the hard plates. Perhaps they don’t like the feeling of unfamiliar utensils in their mouth. So take your own. Allowing your child to use a blue plastic cup at a table decorated solely in silver and gold is not hurting anyone however attached your relative might be to their aesthetic.

Your child might feel anxious about their table manners, knowing that it’s not generally okay to eat using their fingers, but knowing that that is their norm at home. You can work together to either provide them with the confidence to be authentic, or to practice so they feel more capable of meeting societal expectations that they want to meet. Note that the crucial element here is that it’s something they genuinely want to achieve, not one they feel they ought to meet, feel they will be loved more for achieving, or are aiming for in order to avoid criticism.

Preemptive Strike (in a good way!)

With or without your child, discuss this with the host, and any people you feel could make the situation difficult. Ensure your host isn’t blind-sided by you showing up and needing oven space, when they’ve meticulously planned their cooking schedule. Set boundaries with Aunty Kate that comments about your child’s eating – whether in their earshot or not – are not welcome, even if intended with the hope of getting your child to enjoy something delicious. Forewarn your child that Great-aunt Gertrude will make comments about their eating, and that they are to be treated the same way you will all be treating her comments about people’s outfits, which culture is to blame for which war, and her opinion on gender identity.

Your child’s needs are not something you need to try to address without anyone noticing. It is okay to do things differently. It is more than okay to advocate calmly, kindly, and clearly. There are no eggshells here, so no need to tread lightly.

And if anyone is offended or critical, then that is their problem. And if it’s bad enough that you’re anxious about how badly Christmas lunch might turn out, it’s probably worth considering if these are people you want to be spending your Christmas with.

Your Lunch

One of the great complications for parents of kids with additional needs at Christmas lunch is their own inability to eat, even when they really want to. It might be that they need help serving up, cutting their food, encouragement to focus on the task at hand, and then an inability to stay at the table for long… but need to be supervised once they’re done.

You have two good options here, and which one you choose depends on needs. Yours and your child’s.

Option One

• Try to achieve it. If sitting with your family, and eating your Christmas dinner when they do, is something that really matters to you (and it is okay to admit that it is!) then you need to be prepared. You might:
• Have a plan in place with your spouse, or another family member, to tag in/out halfway through the meal so you can have half the time uninterrupted.
• Tell your child your wishes and goals, and ask them what they need to help you try to achieve it.
• Allow your child to have headphones and an iPad, and sit on a beanbag near your chair once they’re done and you’re still eating
• Preempt the predictable hurdles. Cut up your child’s food before you sit down to eat. In advance, ask the host to set them a place next to you rather than at the kids’ table, if that’s where they’d rather be. Consider talking to the host about the kids eating at a slightly different time, depending on what the meal is. Have favourite games, etc, with you. Let the host know that having a specific time to work towards would be very helpful, so you can start regulating and preparing your child in advance. 

Option Two

• Be like Elsa; let it go. Most of us would love it if someone gifted us a million dollars, but we don’t spend every day feeling frustrated, angry, or hard done by, that it isn’t happening. Sometimes it’s a better option to recognise the limitations of your role as a parent of a neurodivergent child, and work to accept these (this might involve talking to a therapist, or applying CBT or DBT techniques, rather than just “sucking it up”). A lot of the time, the hurt that comes with a child interrupting our meal is more about having our own schema disrupted, rather than because it’s actually a problem.
• So if you’ve just accepted that Christmas lunch with your child doesn’t look for you like it looks for some of the other people there, what can you put into action to make it still lovely?
• Have a buddy who knows it’s their role to create you the world’s best Chriistmas lunch plate, cut it into bite-sized pieces, and deliver it to you in the backyard where you will be supervising your child on the trampoline.
• If you’re aware that you often end up feeling resentful that your spouse is relaxing and enjoying themselves while you’re parenting, raise this with them well in advance, and come up with a plan. Perhaps you both agree that they get to have that time, but they will facilitate a night out for you with your friends in return. Maybe your child doesn’t accept coregulation and support from them in the same way they accept it from you (a common experience for parents of neurodivergent kids), so while they insist they can’t be the one doing the active parenting on the day, they will make caring for you their mission instead.

Abort Mission

Agree with your spouse, or anyone else who has come with you, that when you say it’s time to go, it’s time to go, no matter how much everyone else is enjoying themselves. They need to trust that you’re not being a spoil-sport, trying to ruin their fun because you’re not having fun, or being a martyr; and they need to respect that if you are the one responsible for the wellbeing of your child, then you get to make these calls. Even if it’s because you’ve had enough of the juggle; afterall, if you’re struggling and you’re coregulating, then your child is more likely to struggle too.

Handling The Comments

People will make comments.

Some will be judgemental, and often said in the range of your child’s hearing while acting like they aren’t there (“He’s too old to be eating with his fingers”, “You shou;dn’t let her eat so much cake. She’s already chubby”, “I was a fussy eater too but my father didn’t give me a choice and now I eat everything. You should make him sit in the corner until he’s willing to eat like everyone else”).

Some will be curious, but inappropriate to say at Christmas lunch or in front of the child (“So what’s wrong with him?”, “Will she grow out of this?”, “How do you live like this all the time?”).

And some will be so well intentioned, but very hurtful (“Come on darling, if you don’t eat some vegetables you can’t have dessert!”, “Good boys finish everything on their plate. You’re a good boy, aren’t you?”, “But I made this especially for you! Don’t make me sad by not having any. I’m so sad now!”).

You cannot control the feelings or behaviour of others. You are only responsible for yourself.

Advise your family that any comments around eating, or behaviour at lunch, are not welcome unless they are directly being affected (your child isn’t respecting their personal space or belongings, etc). And have some responses ready in case anyone oversteps.

These are some of my current favourites (check out the fabulous article linked beneath the image):