As parents of neurodivergent children, we often focus on neuroaffirming behaviours. We fight against therapies that force neurodivergent children to act neurotypical. Our children are encouraged to be authentic, and to be brave and proud. We push back against people who believe neurodivergence is caused by vaccines, or can be “cured” using dietary changes.
But what happens when the more difficult aspects of neurodivergence can be aided by medication? Is accepting this option pushing the neuronormative agenda? Forcing your child to be something they’re not? Or are you choosing something of benefit for your child? Can meds be neuroaffirming?
We don’t force babies to eat on the floor until they’re tall enough to use dining chairs. We give them a high chair. As adults, if we’re vertically challenged (hello from 5’3” me!), we don’t keep the top shelves of the pantry empty. We buy a step ladder. It doesn’t mean we hate being petite, or that we’re trying to be tall. Or that we hate short people, or that we’d have leg-lengthening surgery if it was on offer. It means there is an aspect of our height that results in a difficulty, and we solve it.
Who Benefits?
A key factor in the decision to medicate is who the medication is going to benefit. It can be difficult to accurately and honesty assess this, especially if – as a parent – you are struggling, exhausted, or even burned out, by the most difficult elements of your child’s experience.
If your child is, for example, physically hyperactive as a trait of ADHD, you might consider medication to help them “calm down”. Is this because you are:
- Finding the constant activity exhausting
- Embarrassed by judgement of others
- Worried about your child’s safety
- Annoyed or overwhelmed by the lack of pause
- Being told by school that your child is a problem
Or is it because your child:
- Is often injured by accidents
- Misses out on fun activities because of their behaviour
- Finds socialising difficult and upsetting
- Has low self-esteem due to making mistakes or losing things
- Has asked for help reducing their hyperactivity
There are potentially third parties to consider as well: teachers who report your child’s behaviour is too disruptive to have them in the class full time, parents who let you know your child has hurt theirs, neighbours who are concerned about hitting your child with their car because they’re frequently unsafe on the road, someone in the supermarket who comments on their behaviour, etc. These can primarily be divided into “judgements” and “needs”, however. Your child needs to be safe, have access to education, have friends, and be part of a community. This doesn’t mean they need to be accepted and understood by all people though.
You don’t need to medicate your child because their grandparents think they should be able to sit at a dinner table for a hour without a break. Nor do you need to medicate them because someone of a different generation in a shop believes children should be seen and not heard.
But if your child is struggling, is fed up of the judgement themselves, or “can’t reach the high shelf”, please consider letting them have the step ladder.
This is Love, not Hate
By choosing medication as the best option for your child, provided your decision is informed and your intentions are good, you are not saying you hate them when they’re not on medication. You are not criticising them for who they are. Medication is not an extension of eugenics.
This is love. This is hearing your child saying they’re hurting, and making the pain stop.
What If It Takes Away My Child?
Some parents express concern that medicating their child will change aspects about them that they love. “I want them to be happier with life, but I adore how kooky and chaotic they are. I don’t want medication to steal my child.” There are multiple facets of this to address:
- Medications for ADHD and anxiety, while they may have some side effects, are highly unlikely to add anything to your child that wasn’t already there.
- If accurately prescribed, and appropriately dosed, medications will not dull your child. They will not lose their personality, have zero affect, or become catatonic.
- If your child is, perhaps, less entertaining when medicated than they were previously but are happier and have higher self-esteem, is the trade off worth it? Similarly, some parents will report that their child is less physically affectionate after medicating, whereas it’s more that the parent has become used to having a clingy child, who is now less anxious and therefore more independent. The love is still there!
One Decision is Not Forever
Unlike some other medical decisions, such as surgeries, a decision to trial medication does not have to be a permanent choice. If they don’t gel well with your child, you can stop, or try an alternative. There frequently are options (fast release and slow release, different chemicals to have different specific effects, etc).
If your child wants help, or clearly needs help, please consider medication as an option. You can always change your mind if your fears or concerns prove to be well-founded.
To Tell or Not To Tell?
As with all aspects of neurodivergence, I am 100% behind being honest and communicative with kids of all ages, in an age-appropriate manner. It can be as simple as explaining to your child that ADHD is a consequence of understimulation, and that medication can fill that gap so their body and brain doesn’t need to.
Being transparent with them will allow for greater self-awareness and self-reporting regarding side effects or impact of medication, both positive and negative. This will allow you to work with your child and their paediatrician or psychiatrist to get medication types and dosages to an ideal level, rather than guessing based on behaviours.
Full Transparency
This article has been inspired by my own experience as an autistic ADHDer, trying ADHD medications for the first time – at the age of 41 – and discovering an entirely new, happy, anxiety-free world almost immediately. Yes, there have been some minor side effects, and yes there’s a way to go before my dosage is right and I have adjusted, but had anyone known the world would look and feel like this with a little capsule once a day, it would have happened a very long time ago.
More on that another time…