A teachable moment is the time at which learning a specific idea is at its easiest. Unfortunately in pop psychology has twisted this to become something along the lines of “I can see the issue presenting itself, so let’s use this opportunity to turn it into a lesson.” And often that when the teachable moment appears, it must be addressed immediately.
Sometimes this is fantastic, because it gives a tangible, applicable, relevant context.
However there are times – particularly when your child is neurodivergent – that corrective feedback does more damage than good, particularly when delivered in the moment.
So how can you gauge what to bother addressing, and when?
A Teachable Moment?
You’ve been telling your child how to cross the road safely. You’re out for a walk, and they step out onto a road without looking. Fortunately there aren’t any cars present, so the only consequence is that they’re stopped by you. You take that moment to remind them of the correct way to cross the road; you go back to where they should have stopped, remind them not to cross without you, practice looking both ways, etc. This is potentially a great teachable moment.
Should a car have narrowly missed them when they stepped out, the elevated central nervous system and potential dysregulation would make it difficult for the child’s brain to learn. That doesn’t mean it’s not worth verbalising your actions once you’ve co-regulated, are feeling safe, and go to cross that road safely. Something along the lines of, “Stop at the side, holding hands, check for cars, and off we go…” But actively reminding and coaching, and encouraging your child to demonstrate their understanding, is not only unlikely to be successful in that moment but may lead to:
- additional dysregulation and even meltdowns if they are unable to demonstrate the skills accurately due to the dysregulation caused by stepping out in the first place
- Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) if they’re not yet regulated enough to be in a learning state
- active defiance as a means of demonstrating to you that they’re not ready for learning, leading to guilt, frustration, and potential conflict
- feelings of being judged or criticised, potentially triggering Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)
What If It’s Important?
If we stick with the lesson of safely crossing the road as our example, then I think we can universally agree that if this is a skill that your child is capable of learning, it’s one that is important for them to learn.
Children make mistakes.
Many forms of neurodivergence include traits of impaired impulse control, poor executive function, or intellectual difficulties regarding information recall and/or application. This means neurodivergent children, statistically, are even more likely to make mistakes.
It is important to differentiate between making a mistake because of an impairment, or poor judgement, and making a mistake because a person isn’t informed or educated.
If your child ran out onto the road because they didn’t know they didn’t to stop, then gently raise this incident as a “Remember that time I shouted because I got scared that you had run onto the road?”
It is important that it’s addressed without criticism, or a perceived expectation of perfection.
You can then revise what they recall of road safety, and highlight and re-teach any gaps.
The next time you go for a walk, try to practice these skills in a location other than the site of the recent error.
When to Let It Go
If your child ran out onto the road because they’d seen something of interest on the other side, or you’d been playing a chasing game earlier, or because they were simply daydreaming and didn’t notice the change in terrain, then there is not necessarily a need to bring up this error again. Especially not in reference to learning road safety.
This doesn’t mean you can’t double check they definitely know their road rules. And it doesn’t mean next time you shouldn’t keep an eye on them when they’re approaching a road in case they make the same mistake. You can give them a helpful reminder (I think I say, “Sure thing. Don’t forget to check driveways!” every single time my kids ask if they can run ahead, or travel alone, when we’re walking to school. Not because they don’t know to check driveways, and not because I’m a helicopter parent, but because the joy of running or the freedom of independence frequently overrides common safety sense).
But if you are aware that the root problem behind your child running onto the road was not their road safety knowledge, but other difficulties, making a fuss of the road rules in response is likely to trigger guilt and frustration. What you need to focus on – and not necessarily in a didactic and specific way – is working around tricky traits like impulsivity.
It is also crucial to remember that no child – no person – needs every mistakes, problem, or issue in their life addressed or analysed! Society tends to over-correct neurodivergent children, allowing them fewer genuine errors than their neurotypical peers.
The Perceived Problem vs Reality
Imagine you have a dodgy oven timer that sometimes fails to ring when it’s supposed to.
You bake a cake. All the ingredients are correct and in date. You measure them perfectly, and follow the recipe precisely. The cake batter is great. You line the tin with great care, and pour in the batter. It all looks wonderful. You gently put it in the oven, and accurately set the timer.
The time does not ring when it should, and the cake burns.
Do you need a lesson in baking, reminders of each step, critiquing of your understanding of measuring cups? Or a strategy to deal with a faulty oven timer, like setting an alarm on your phone instead?
Is the mistake you saw your child make the one they need to learn about? Or do they already know? Do they need to be lectured on throwing toys at others? Or do they need help with regulation and recognising their temper flaring? Do they need to be berated about how long it takes to clean their room? Or assisted with executive function strategies? Make sure you’re addressing the right thing… if anything at all.
Flip It
Lessons – direct or indirect – can be solidified better with positivity than negativity. Feeling guilty or embarrassed or stupid for making a mistake will likely make those feelings the primary thing recalled when recollecting the situation.
Meeting mistakes with empathy, love, understanding, and support, allows your child to:
- learn self-forgiveness
- recall the incident for what it was (scary, confronting, frustrating, confusing). Therefore be more able to use the desire to avoid these feelings to help prevent a recurrence
- develop trust and secure attachment with you by knowing that mistakes are met with support rather than criticism or punishment
- experience a “waggy tail” through being praised for getting things right