Any family unit works best as a team. Each person with their own roles and responsibilities, with some crossover. People jumping in to cover those who are struggling or overloaded by other things such as work or illness. The ability to ask for help, and be helped. A busy, efficient team.
Obviously this is the ideal. Most family units experience some degree of imbalance or inequality. But overall, whether it’s working towards Maggie Dent’s “‘We’ Mindset”, or Eve Rodsky’s “Fair Play”, or another approach, the generally accepted modern neuronormative goal is for parents to be contributing with equal responsibility and efforts, and for children to be learning life skills and contributing to the family and the home.
So what happens in a neurodivergent household, where abilities differ, needs and output are fluid, time is absorbed by things neurotypical people wouldn’t even consider, and overwhelm potentially has a far more dire outcome?
That Leaves It To…
Sometimes the message of “Because you should” doesn’t satisfy the strong sense of justice and rules that autistic people often have. However, demonstrating the equality of sharing roles can be a turning point for some kids. For example, it’s not uncommon for kids to not clean up after themselves. Nor does anything that could be perceived as criticism. We use a strategy of asking simple questions so the kids recognise their own task that they haven’t completed, then following with, “That leaves it for…”
This allows them to realise that someone needs to do it, and frequently this is enough to get a task done.
Solutions Focused
If a neurodivergent adult in the home is expected to meet certain responsibilities, but says “I can’t” this is valid. It is just as valid as if they were undergoing chemotherapy and didn’t feel well enough to meet all their goals!
“I can’t” can mean many things. It might mean, I’m out of spoons right now. Maybe it means, “I don’t have the executive function to start.” It could mean, “I am experiencing PDA and the simple fact that I should means I can’t.” Or perhaps the task itself is something that is not within that person’s skill set, and it’s a general and ongoing “I can’t.”
But, as an adult, what is not ideal is leaving it at “I can’t”. “I can’t, so…” is the way this should continue.
- So… is there any chance you could do X, Y, and Z, for me today, and I will do A, B, and C, or something else you’d rather for you on the weekend?
- So… I would like to discuss if we can pay someone else to mow the lawn when it’s needed.
- So… I’d love your help getting started.
- So… do you want to body double while you do something?
Teaching neurodivergent children similar strategies, particularly when they are young, is invaluable. The basic ability to say, “I am finding this hard. I need help,” is a wonderful form of self-advocacy.
Many neurodivergent adults do not have these skills, and do not feel entitled to say those words. Years of being treated like a failure, labelled as lazy, or dismissed as unable to do anything because they admit to not being able to do something… means they can’t ask for help, therefore don’t get help, therefore do struggle or fail. And thus the cycle continues!
Break the cycle for the current generation of neurodivergent children by enabling them – and praising them! – for asking for help.
Practical Tips
Always be mindful, particularly with neurodivergent children, of using language that sounds critical. As much as possible, even avoid complaints, by using “I” statements, and communicating what you need rather than what hasn’t been done.
PDA is also a key issue when it comes to achieving teamwork within the home. Both avoiding it, and acknowledging the fluidity of abilities.
Utilising strategies to support needs for tasks such as improving executive function, reducing task size, or body doubling, are likely to help you and your family achieve success.
Physical task lists, downloads such as FutureADHD, or apps like Habitica or Habit List, can also help the team tackle “all the things”.
Outsourcing
Where the budget or funding allows, outsource whatever tasks are practical. This could be household tasks such as washing, ironing, or cleaning. Outdoor tasks like mowing the lawn. Or bigger picture jobs like spring cleans, or teaching the kids to ride their bikes.
Even if you yourself don’t identify as neurodivergent, living in a household with other neurodivergent people is generally a bit busier, a bit more chaotic, and requires a bit more effort to stay afloat.
Ask For Help
Just as I recommend teaching your children to speak up when they need support, I suggest you do the same. Whether that’s speaking to your spouse, calling a friend or family member, chatting with a therapist, or contacting More Than Quirky with a specific question you’d like some advice on. It’s all valid. Help is help. And you deserve all the help you feel you need!
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