There is often an instinct in play to protect our neurodivergent kids from failing. There are enough unavoidable hurdles in their lives to feel like it’s fair, or a good decision, to knowingly launch them towards another one. Particularly one that looks too big, or looks a lot like one that has tripped them previously. But all people – neurodivergent and neurotypical – learn from challenging themselves to do hard things. Sometimes these changes and challenges are so incremental that we barely perceive them, so we feel like we’re playing it safe. But they’re always there. So what do we do when there are potential, even probable, hurdles standing between our neurodivergent child and a goal?
Whose Goal Is It?
The first question to ask is why they’re looking towards the goal in the first place. Whether we should be, and whether it’s worth the cost.
If it’s societal…
…decide how important it actually is. Is not meeting this goal going to have a severe detrimental impact on their lives? Or just mean they do things differently? For example, speech is of great benefit, but not an absolute necessity thanks to sign language, AAC devices, writing, etc. However, difficulties around independent toileting, if surmountable, are possibly worth tackling.
If it’s school-based
…consider the value of the outcome versus the tax of learning it. Basic literacy? Really great to achieve if possible; a game-changer to have in the armoury. Learning compound trigonometry? Not as important as your Year 12 maths teacher might insist. Learning how to catch and throw? Really useful, but not crucial. Academic and school-based achievements, and the hurdles to be overcome in order to reach them, are often best assessed based on what doors they open. If your child wants to be a vet, and largely has the potential achieve this, then there will be certain academic objectives that must be reached. And these might involve some significant challenges. If, however, they are already armed with the qualifications and skills required to reach their ambitions, then it’s not always worth adding additional pressure.
If a medical professional is setting the goal
…how neuroaffirming are they? What the benefits of achieving the goal would be, and the mental/emotional cost. Are the hard things they’re encouraging your child to achieve the most relevant? See Therapies: What and How Far?
If the goal is set by your child
…then I suggest you go forwards as fast and brutally as they wish to. Even if that’s at a snail’s pace. Or crashing along like a raging bull. Their goal, their pace, provided they seem safe. That doesn’t mean you can’t offer guidance, help with challenges, prepare them for difficulties, etc. But try not to suggest they might not be capable of something, if they feel it’s something they want to try. You’ll be amazed how often desire and determination overcomes limitations that have been previously set as immovable.
Alternate Pathways and Finish Lines
Unlike running a regular hurdle race, your child does not always need to run from Point A to Point B in a straight line, clearing each hurdle neatly and in order. Run from A to B via C. Clear the hurdles in an unusual order. Walk to D and stop there!
Learning to read using strategies other than those modelled in class, or using reading aids such as coloured guided reading films, is no less valid that learning to read the way the majority of peers do.
Homeschooling can still get you into university.
Maths strategies change quite regularly in the curriculum, so finding an older one that resonates more than the current recommendation is not something to fear, even if it does impact on grades that mark “working”.
One person’s success should not be used as the benchmark for another’s. Being brave enough to step onto a stage with a choir is a huge achievement for one person, while another may work towards being the best soloist; it doesn’t mean both goals can’t be equal in value to each of these people.
Society likes to set norms and standards. Expected things to achieve, and predictable ways of getting there. But taking longer, going a different route, asking people to lift you over hurdles or push them over with – or even for – you, is valid and acceptable if that is what you require to reach a goal.
Nor is there any shame in reaching Point G, somewhere off to the side, not quite at the finish line, etc, if that is the best your child can achieve. They have tried to do something, and have done their best; this is an achievement in itself.
We Can Do Hard Things
“I see your fear, and it’s big. I also see your courage, and it’s bigger. We can do hard things.”
Glennon Doyle, Untamed
Neurodivergent people frequently experience hardships. It can be harder to process information. Harder to regulate emotions. Executive function can be harder to obtain. Connection and understanding can be harder to achieve. It can be harder to make your body do what you wish it would do. And on and one and on.
And so every day, neurodivergent people do hard things, whether we want to or not.
For many, it is their norm. So normal, in fact, that they’re not always aware of quite how amazing they are. How many difficult things they are achieving on a daily basis. How much harder they have to work than their neurotypical peers to achieve a similar outcome.
So when facing hurdles, it is not only important not to shelter them from these trials, but to remind them that they are very capable of clearing, pushing down, and smashing hurdles every day anyway. Invisible ones they mightn’t even know they’re sailing over.
It is a crucial life skill to teach your neurodivergent child to be brave enough to try, and that if they fail, to stand up again, and to forgive themselves for not succeeding. Whether they try again is secondary. The ability to not succeed without seriously damaging their self-esteem will serve them for their entire life.
“We can do hard things,” is a regular catchphrase in our home. It doesn’t mean we can do absolutely everything, or that we should force ourselves to do every tricky thing that comes our way. But when there is something we want, it is definitely worth reaching for. Strategising for. Working for. Because we can do hard things.
The Fall and The Recovery
Falling, and getting back up, can look different – even worse – for neurodivergent kids. The meltdowns, serious dents to self-esteem, physical bruises and injuries, frustration, anxiety, stress… it can make failing look horrific. And often significantly worse than the same degree of “failure” in a neurotypical child.
However, framed well, supported well, the amplified visible impact of falling or failing, means that the successes are also even greater. The space between the two can be immense. And where a neurotypical child might feel content with a win, a neurodivergent child could find the same experience overwhelmingly rewarding. Because they know how hard they have worked. They know how hard not succeeding hits them.
Many neurodivergent people have a dopamine deficit, or abnormal dopamine signalling in the brain. This often means that certain neurodivergencies, such as ADHD, have a heightened positive response to dopamine. As such, if a person with ADHD succeeds, and the reward is genuinely amplified.
So while it can look too damaging for the risk of failure to be worth the goal because of heightened responses and behaviours, often the reward is also beyond what would be expected.
How Can I Help?
If your child has a goal, and you have established that it is one to pursue, consider the following:
- Work together. Do not make the plan for your child, but with your child. This is their journey, and their goal, so it’s important that they also guide the plan of attack
- Ask your child whether there are any daunting aspects to they’d like to prepare for
- List accomodations, aids, back up plans, safety nets, etc, so your child is equipped as much as possible to succeed
- Acknowledge that the initial goal won’t necessarily be the ideal endpoint once you’re on the journey
- Discuss how / if / when to quit, and remind them that this is acceptable, not a failing in itself
- Ask your child how they would like other people involved to help. Do they want the football coach to know they’re autistic? Would they like the band conductor to know they have ADHD? Is it helpful if their boss knows they’re dyslexic, even if the job doesn’t involve reading? Can they have a sleepover at a friend’s house without telling their parents about their well managed neurodivergence?
- And then agree who will facilitate this. Does your child want to tell them in person, or write them a letter? Or would they like you to do this? What would they like to do if they choose not to tell them, and it becomes an issue or they find out anyway? Where possible, opt for supported self-advocacy, and at all costs avoid shame or apologies
- Check in on a regular basis throughout the planning process and the journey, so they can modify their plan, discuss unexpected hurdles, easily ask for help, or change their mind without needing to raise it with you
Everyone Can Fail
Remember that all neurotypical people also have their limitations and skills. Consider if you’d tell your neurotypical child not to audition for the school musical, because you don’t think they’re a very good singer based on what you’ve heard coming from the shower… Or would you encourage them to take a shot anyway because they were interested? And could you admit that there’s a chance you might be surprised to discover they’re actually quite good?
Why prevent your neurodivergent child from the same potential success? The approach might not always be the same, and accomodations might be required, but there’s no reason to stop them from trying “just in case”. It is not always about preventing the fall.
We can do hard things.
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