Taking a deep breath is a very common regulation method, for neurodivergent and neurotypical people. But have you considered it metaphorically? Are you hitting the same hurdles regularly? Are things escalating, and taking longer to calm down again? Does everything feel harder lately? Take a deep breath.
This “deep breath” comes in many forms. It can take as short as a few seconds, or as long as… well… as long as is needed!
The combination of recently focusing heavily on Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) for my own benefit, and seeing the incredible outcome for a friend’s child after a break from school, made me realise that the process is largely the same. Stopping the ride, and getting off. Not necessarily permanently. But until you’re ready to get back on. Or find a different sideshow, or even a different carnival!
It can help to start small, and work up in scale and significance until you find the solution.
The Little Pause
Many strategies can help with dysregulation, some of which are taught in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT). These can include:
- Closing your eyes and imagining a favourite place
- Box breathing (breathe in, hold for four seconds, breathe out over four second, and repeat)
- Actively walking away from conflict or something causing dysregulation
- Setting boundaries with other people, including letting them know when their behaviour is impacting negatively on you
- Having a cold drink of water, or washing your face
Some neurodivergent people might also benefit from the strategy of mentally hitting a reset button. Not at a moment of heightened emotions or dysregulation – but later once they’re feeling calm – actively choosing to let go of any negative feelings, potential misunderstandings, and anxiety about possible outcomes, and “hitting reset” can allow them to re-enter the situation without carrying weight which is almost destined to make them fail.
The Medium Pause
Neurodivergent people, particularly kids, can hit hurdles which seem huge at the time. As a parent, it can seem really important to guide them through it, to overcome the hurdle. It can seem defeatist to give up, or like it’s setting a dangerous precedent to let them “win”. But what if taking a moderate pause would allow your child to let go of the tension and anxiety in that moment? And therefore allow them to regulate their emotions and central nervous system in order to achieve the next thing. Or even overcome that very hurdle after a break?
Medium Breaks
Skipping a shower, swapping breakfast cereal or toast for a bowl of leftover spaghetti bolognaise, taking a day off weekend sport, or even having a mental health day from school, could all be of far more benefit than detriment.
Other medium length pauses that might help your child reset and regulate after periods of stress include:
- Camping outside, or in the living room
- Staying up later than normal
- Getting up early (great for the naturally early risers who find it difficult to stay in bed until a time that works for the rest of family) to watch the sunrise, especially if joined by other family members
- Going on an adventure of their choosing, such as a bush walk, trip to the beach, visit to a museum / zoo / shop of their choosing, or staying in a hotel for the night
- Getting some one-on-one time with a parent to eat a meal and talk about life in general – not just the tricky bits
- Being assisted – or even having it done for them – to deep clean and reorganise their personal space, such as bedroom, school bag, or digital device. Deleting unwanted files and apps, tidying up files, updating apps, and changing the background picture on a frequently used device can be quite rewarding!
Mental Health Days
Mental health days are an important skill to teach your neurodivergent child, particularly in the way they approach and communicate them. Skipping school whenever they don’t feel like going isn’t ideal, just as they won’t be able to refuse to show up for work if they want to keep their job as an adult! However, empowering your child with the ability to recognise when they’re reaching their threshold, and therefore need to clearly communicate to their teacher (and, in the future, boss) that they need a mental health day, is a gift.
You might want to help them learn to gauge whether it’s a “I need a day off,” a “I can’t face coming in without paying for it too dearly, but I’m keen to do any work that needs to be done while I’m at home,” or a “I would like to work from home today.” I would suggest as a parent erring between the first and second, with the opportunity to change, until the child feels capable of deciding this.
The Long Pause
The longer breaks can be confronting for parents. It can feel like giving up, like the difficult aspects of neurodivergence in a neurotypical world has one, or like you’ve failed. It can be incredibly daunting in terms of working out how to juggle it with other life goals and plans, or knowing if/how/when it will end. But sometimes it is necessary.
Long-ish pauses could include:
- Taking an extended break from therapies (especially ones that are seen as “additional”. For example, seeing a psychologist to minimise risk to self would not be a great one to skip, but seeing a speech therapist to improve diction and vocabulary might be able to be paused for a while)
- Removing extracurricular activities from the timetable
- Allowing your child to eat when they feel like it, rather than at set meal times
- Not forcing your child to eat at the table
- Cutting hair super short to minimise hair brushing time
And then there are the big ones. The ones that can seem really scary for parents, and sometimes even for kids, and others that don’t feel like as much of a big deal.
Things like:
- Leaving standard education to homeschool
- Quitting a club or group
- Letting your child choose their own food without adding “hopeful” items to the plate, or restricting intake of cake, for example
- Talking to school about not wearing uniform, or wearing an amended uniform
- Getting rid of a pet
- Asking to live elsewhere, particularly when parents are separated or grandparents are heavily involved
The friend I mentioned at the beginning of this piece had watched her neurodivergent child struggling with school for years, and eventually decided standard education wasn’t going to work for them anymore. She let her primary school aged daughter decide not to go to school anymore.
But then…
The Return
…when she had taken the long pause, had the time and headspace to regulate and actually think about the situations with a calm and safe mindset, she decided she did want to go to school. Because it was something she wanted to achieve in order to reach goals she had for her own future. But not the school she had been at.
In the thick of it, when dysregulated and distressed, not only would she have not been able to formulate those decisions for herself, she would likely have even resisted if someone she loved and trusted had suggested them for her.
But given the space to let it go, not fear the next school day, not be carrying that day’s hurt, she was able to see the purpose of school rather than the impact of school. And to make an incredibly mature and logical decision based on this.
As a parent juggling work and other kids, would it be terrifying to think your child wouldn’t be attending school for an undetermined amount of time? Of course! Would you worry about other aspects such as socialising, quality of home education, and whether your child was receiving the right message if allowed to “quit” something they didn’t like? Absolutely. But is the pause sometimes far important than all of this? Yes.
Sometimes there won’t be a return. Simply a new direction and a new path.
What Happens Next?
When your child chooses to take a long break, and you recognise that this decision needs to be honoured, there are many ways to approach this, including:
- Check that this is really what they want, whether there are any short/medium pauses that could be tried first, or if they feel it’s a last resort
- Praise them for being brave enough to set a boundary, even if it’s a temporary one
- Give them the support they require to make the change, but encourage them to take ownership of it as much as possible. For example, if quitting a sport, encourage them to be the one to tell their coach, or at least be present. You can always send the coach a message in advance, to ask them to accept the child’s decision when they communicate it
- Allow your child time and space to let go of any trauma or difficulties caused by the situation they’re taking pause from, before arranging to have a calm and friendly chat about:
- Targets and goals, if there are any. Do they want to return eventually? Would they like to return, but not to the same thing/place? If there aren’t any goals, encourage your child to think, and discuss again later
- Discuss the “why” for potentially returning. For example, continuing education to gain qualifications for their dream job, finding a different martial arts school because they love the sport just not the environment they’re learning it in, or eating more diverse foods to prevent health problems that will be unpleasant to deal with
- If they feel it’s permanent, what the alternate solutions could be; vitamins and fibre supplements instead of vegetables, learning a trade instead of going to school, going for a run instead of sport.
***
With any change, revisit the topic regularly without nagging or guilt-tripping. No “Are you going back to school next week?” each Monday, or “Well, I suppose I’ll have to cancel my gym membership if you’re home during the week from now on.” Try, “Had anymore thoughts around things to add to the grocery list lately?” or “I’m making myself a salad. I remember you used to like lettuce. Would you like some with your lunch?”
Just as allowing your child to make changes – little, medium, or big – can be confronting and daunting for you, choosing to make these changes is a huge deal for your child too. As is not making these choices, and ploughing on through so as to not rock the boat, leading to dysregulation, mental health concerns, and burnout.
Let your child take a deep breath. Whatever size needed.
Consider taking one yourself where possible.
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