Q. My kid often says they can’t do something I have asked them to do like getting their shoes from the cupboard but I know it’s something they can do. If I ask them why they can’t do it they say they don’t know why. What can I do to make this easier?
Mum of autistic daughter aged 5-8
A.
This is a really common situation for autistic children, and children with ADHD (and adults!), and can happen for many reasons.
The reason why often depends on the significance of the task. “School Can’t”, for example, is related to significant anxiety, and discontent over the unknown. Similarly, not wanting to go to a sport training session or music lesson might be anxiety or fear related.
However, when it comes to the smaller, attainable, everyday tasks, it can be related to anxiety or fear, but is more likely to be something else.
There’s a really awkward combination of executive dysfunction, interoception disorder, task paralysis / avoidance, and PDA that can make doing something when asked incredibly difficult.
The Scenario
Your response to errors in a neurodivergent child’s life needs to be consistent, and kind.
We all make mistakes. By neuronormative standards, neurodivergent kids make more. Whether this results in criticism, being put down, and feeling worthless, is usually down to the adults in the child’s life. Take the question above, for example: getting shoes from a cupboard.
Imagine it is sports day at school. You direct your child to, “Go get your shoes,” because let’s be honest, parents frequently forget to use courteous language or questioning when rushing through the morning.
Your child might:
- Ask where to get the shoes from
- Go and get their regular school shoes rather than their sports shoes
- Go towards the shoe cupboard, getting distracted and playing instead
- Open the shoe cupboard and be frustrated by the shoes being a mess
- Rummage through the cupboard to find the right shoes and leave shoes everywhere
- Not be able to find their shoes in the cupboard because they haven’t been put away properly the day before
Do you respond calmly every time? Or has your child frequently heard lines like:
- “They’re in the cupboard, of course. Where do you think they’d be?”
- “Those aren’t the right shoes. It’s sports day. For goodness sake! Get the right shoes. You know which shoes go with that uniform.”
- “Why are you playing? You’re meant to be getting your shoes!”
- “Stop messing around in the cupboard and get your shoes like I asked.”
- “What have you done? I don’t have time to clean this up!”
- “Why don’t you have your shoes?”
Let alone the standard, “Now we’re going to be late!” and “Why do I have to do everything?!”
I am going to own up here to being guilty of all of the above. And it’s damaging, and I feel bad about it. However, we can learn better, and do better, and create a safe constant precedent which enables our children to feel braver about attempting tasks. And then when we do mess up, we can own it and apologise, and admit we made a mistake. Just like we ask our children to.
So how does this scenario play out with all the potential factors we discussed above?
Anxiety and Fear
If your response to mistakes is generally negative, critical, exasperated, frustrated, etc, approaching any task without assistance can be terrifying for your child. They are braced for failure, and the awful consequences that come with it.
If, however, you can foster a warmer, kinder approach, your child will come to accept this as the precedent. That they may as well try to find their shoes, because if they choose the wrong ones, or get distracted, or make a mess, they will be helped through this rather than criticised for it.
Consider, for example, “Which shoes did you choose today? Are they for sports days or regular days?” and let them self-correct. Or a silly, “Oh no! It looks like the shoe cupboard exploded! Can you help me tidy up?”
A kind approach to errors will reduce a fear of them, and therefore reduce the anxiety and reluctance to try.
The Usual Suspects
Executive dysfunction, task paralysis/avoidance, and PDA, all play into the supposedly simple act of “doing a task”.
PDA could be triggered simply by being told to get the shoes.
Task paralysis could be triggered if the child knows the shoe cupboard is a mess, and that they still need to brush their teeth, and pack their bag, and are thinking the walk to school is going to be cold… It isn’t as straightforward as doing the task at hand.
And if your child struggles with executive dysfunction, there are a million potential hurdles to clear in order to absorb an instruction, approach it accordingly, begin it, complete it, and get it correct.
If you observe your child “off task”, guide and assist them. If there is any resistance, aid them to verbalise any feelings regarding the task, and if they’re aware of what any of the hurdles are.
Sometimes the thoughts and words are there.
But sometimes they are not, and the best thing you can do is to help.
To build trust, and to teach, by helping.
This could simply be being next to them while they get the shoes. Other days it might be physically helping them find them and put them on. And on the trickier days, it might be going to get the shoes while they sit on the sofa.
Kids do as well as they can. On that day. In that situation.
Interoception disorder
This is the one that we tend to consider least.
Sometimes I find myself really struggling to settle into a task, like my body is on edge. “Physical anxiety” I call it. More often than not this is actually because I need to go to the toilet or eat something, and my body has forgotten to adequately communicate this to my brain in an effective way. Quick toilet trip, or a quick snack, and I’m ready to roll.
As a neurodivergent adult, I am (most of the time!) able to recognise this physical anxiety as a sign of a personal need, the same way people with fully functional interoception know what hungry feels like and means, or what a full bladder feels like and means. For me, edgy, ants-under-the-skin, crankiness means “Let’s figure out what I need”. Once I ask myself, I am then often capable of recognising the full bladder or empty stomach, despite not having been alerted to them the standard way.
Neurodivergent children generally do not have the years of practise or self-awareness to achieve this. They just feel off. They’re hangry. They are itchy. Their body is saying not to do the thing they’re being asked to do, because there’s something else that needs to be done. But their body is also not telling them what this is!
So if you find your neurodivergent child is acting like they’re uncomfortable, whether in relation to doing a task or just generally, do a quick health check. Suggest they try the toilet, make them a snack, get them a drink, ask them if they’re tired, ask if they have a headache, do a quick head-to-toe (“Do any of your toes hurt? Do your feet hurt? Do your legs hurt?” etc).
You might be amazed how often you find out there’s an itchy tag, or a hungry tummy, or a nose that needs blowing, responsible for the resistance to tasks.
Eliminate the negative
So if your child can’t go and get their shoes, consider how you’re asking them, what sort of response they’re braced for if they get it wrong, and the hurdles that neurodivergent kids are overcoming on a regular basis to achieve what the world sees as small tasks. They’re taking giant steps, and with your guidance they can take them without as much hesitation.
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