Autistic people frequently mask. It is a natural reflexive consequence to the experience of living as an autistic person in a world built by and for neurotypical people. It is exhausting, and less than ideal as a long term solution.
When people are able to accept their autism for its fantastic aspects, and accept their autistic self as worthy and wonderful, there is an opportunity for unmasking. For some people, this is a daily experience anyway. Adults who live alone, children who use up all their spoons masking at school so can’t mask at home even if they’d prefer to, people who live in neurodivergent or accepting households… they often have a mask for public, then unmask at home.
But over time, particularly in late diagnosed adults, the mask can become an entrenched part of their existence to a degree that they are either unable to remove it, or unsure what is left when the mask is gone.
Unmasking
To unmask, an autistic person needs to feel safe. For some of us, this involves living alone. Others find it is about working through the process gradually to test the waters, and assess the reactions. For the fortunate few, it’s a case of just returning to an authentic self, and trusting that the right people will be accepting and understanding.
Sometimes unmasking occurs when autistic people feel safe, naturally, as they are at ease and under less pressure to behave neurotypically. And sometimes it is a conscious decision of taking it off and declaring “I’m going to be myself from now on”. But what happens when you’ve been masking so long that you’re not sure who “myself” is anymore?
Who Am I?
If an autistic person has been masking for many years, often in response to trauma, chronic criticism, attempting to conform, and to prevent Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, it is very difficult to remember what was there before the mask. It can be almost impossible to know who we genuinely are other than the person we’ve had to try to be for years.
Three processes that can help include backtracking, Marie Kondo-ing, and investigating.
- Backtracking: Neurodivergent people can think back over their life, and consider when they have felt their happiest, and more authentic. What was different then, compared to now? What felt better than now? Is it what they were eating day to day? What they wore? Who they spent time with? How they spent their spare time? Try to pinpoint what was more you than it is now, and backtrack! Bring back the authenticity!**
- Marie Kondo-ing: The KonMari method of decluttering works well to smashing unwanted masks into tiny pieces. Pick an element of your life. For example, “I always get noodles for lunch. Most of my colleagues get noodles for lunch, and we eat in the kitchen together.” Ask the famous Marie Kondo question. Does it spark joy? Unlike the response in the KonMari method (get rid of it!), instead ask “If not, why not?” Perhaps you don’t really like noodles, and would rather buy hot chips. Do it. You don’t have to be eating the same thing as your colleagues to eat with them. Or perhaps it’s the eating with the colleagues that’s the problem. It’s okay to get noodles, and eat at your desk, or in the park, or at the noodle house. If it doesn’t spark joy, find the joy. Bring back the spark.
- Investigating: if you have masked for a long time, you might not have had the experience to even develop your authentic self before you began to mask that aspect. For example, kids who follow fashion trends in order to conform, may continue to do this into adulthood; if they later discover that fashion conformity isn’t really them, that doesn’t mean they’ll automatically know their own style is. It is okay to explore, try things out, learn about yourself. Sometimes the experience of “reinventing” yourself by researching, exploring, investigating, and trialling, will allow you to actually unearth your authentic self. The things that appeal to you won’t necessarily just be another mask, but may appeal because they are you.
How Can I Help?
If you’re conscious that your neurodivergent person is trying to unmask, or you would like to be a great ally and encourage this process, consider the following scenario in which a person who has always worn dresses suddenly starts wearing jeans as part of their unmasking process:
- Please don’t comment on changes in a comparative manner, such as, “You’re wearing jeans! I didn’t think you liked wearing jeans. You’ve never liked wearing jeans before.”
- Give compliments. “Are those jeans new? They look great!”
- Don’t mourn aloud. “I loved those dresses you used to wear. They were so pretty.”
- Give license for your ND person to ask for change. “If I say anything that makes you feel like you need to mask, please let me know so I can try to avoid it. I want you to be you.”
- Regularly remind your ND person that you love them (not with a now/then clause). But hey, masking, unmasking, and anything in between, do this anyway!
** As part of this process, you may also begin to understand specific events or traumas that have lead to you masking/changing this particular element of yourself. File that for later. We will discuss!