There are many tricky elements of neurodivergence that can – and potentially should – be addressed, without this being perceived as forcing neurotypicality or not being neuroaffirming. Usually, the measure of this can be whether overcoming this hurdle is of benefit to the neurodivergent person’s self-esteem and happiness. This might include helping a person with dyslexia learn to read to the best of their ability to allow them to succeed in neurotypical society, or teaching a person with apraxia to improve their speech skills so they can communicate without an AAC if they’d rather speak, or introducing an autistic person with water anxiety to a pool gently so they can enjoy the sensory experience of swimming.
The Desire to Learn
Years ago, I had a school friend with Down Syndrome who required assistance with certain life skills. One day she approached me saying she hated that staff helped her with a particular skill, when everyone else “was allowed” to do it by themselves. The fact she saw it as being disallowed really struck me. In her mind, it wasn’t that she needed the assistance for her own safety and wellbeing – it was that she wasn’t allowed to be independent. So we set to work practising this skill five days a week, until she could confidently demonstrate to the staff that she was capable of doing it safely by herself. And then she was “allowed” for the rest of her schooling, and was empowered, and skilled.
But how – and if! – these skills are approached depends hugely on the neurodivergent person themselves. And the outcome depends massively on how it is approached!
Why Tackle The Hurdle?
Not all hurdles need to be knocked over or jumped. In some situations, the trauma and damage to self-esteem involved in forcing an apraxic person to speak might significantly outweigh the complications of choosing to use an AAC device. The Coke Bottle Effect of expecting a child with ADHD to adopt Whole Body Learning may be far more detrimental to them and their family, than a bit of wriggling and fidgeting is to a class or teacher. The mental health issues and burn out caused by ongoing masking by an autistic person will almost certainly be worse than the consequences of letting them stim without judgement or not forcing them to make eye contact.
However, there are certain skills that are beneficial if they can be achieved by reasonable means (being able to communicate, personal hygiene, identifying and regulating emotions, etc), and if the person currently lacking these skills is willing – or even better, requesting – to learn them.
It can be difficult to present these to a neurodivergent person without damaging their self-esteem or being critical, however gently flagging potential new skills and gauging their interest in acquiring them, is a much better start than forcing or directing into therapy without prior discussion.
Incentives and Consequences
I was speaking to a mum recently about her apraxic child impressively being able to verbally tell her the name of something they wanted to buy, and how much it was, and where it was, and the varieties of it, and when it was available… despite generally finding speech quite a challenge.
Incentives and consequences are so significant when it comes to neurodivergent hurdles.
If you take a neurodivergent child who is finding it difficult to learn their colours, and decide cooperatively that this is important to overcome, you might print out flash cards and spend time working on recognising and naming swatches of colour. Maybe they get a reward at the end of each session, such as screen time, a treat food, or a game of choice. But what if, instead, you found an art form they enjoyed, and explored colour together this way? Identifying colours as they paint or draw with them, encouraging them to ask for the pencil they want by colour name using voice, sign, or AAC. Allowing them to achieve what they want – acquiring the colour they want to use – while practising an emerging skill. Giving this skill purpose and meaning, rather than something as arbitrary as being able to name some bits of cardboard.
The difference between a physiotherapist who asks a child to replicate and practise a physical skill, and one who integrates the required skill into a game or activity of make-believe is astounding. Watching a child play, whilst learning, rather than learning then being rewarded with play, completely changes your approach to therapies and skill acquisition. A dyslexic child who hates being told to “work on their balance” may balk at being asked to spend five minutes a day on a balance board, but will celebrate each step towards learning to ride a bike (and thus achieving the desired motor skill anyway).
Putting skills into context relevant to the neurodivergent person, rather than forcing the learning of skills society deems important and typical, can be the difference between a child achieving, or not achieving, an entire ability.
Where Do I Find This Approach?
Many neuroaffirming therapists – of all health professions – will take this practical approach, giving purpose and context to the learning of skills.
Outside of a therapeutic environment, you might want to look at supposed deficits, and finding a real-life example to approach instead (learning a martial art in a supportive environment, rather than doing core strength exercises in a medical setting, teaching your child how to order their favourite meal rather than how to pronounce a list of words on a spelling list, etc).
Neurodivergent people will often find that the pathways formed in the brain by more practical and relevant approaches will allow for society’s preferred skills to follow. Who cares if they learn to say “chicken nuggets” before they learn to pronounce “Thursday” correctly, if the end result is that they can do both? Or, more to the point, that they can pronounce the word that is going to be relevant to them, their life, and their happiness, even if they never achieve the second one? Maybe they don’t care if they need to write “Thurs”, point at a calendar, or use an AAC device to tell someone what day they want an appointment, when it means more to them to be able to order their favourite food independently.
Happiness is the Pathway AND the Result
As best you can, make sure you’re supporting your neurodivergent person to be their best and happiest, not their “neurotypical-est”. Sure, arming them with practical life skills is important too, but it’s not always the most crucial part of their life satisfaction, nor is it always the first step to success.
Help them find their priorities and passions, and use these to help acquire the necessary and useful skills. You may well encounter far less resistance, and far more success.
NB: Please remember that many neurodivergent people live with Pathological Demand Avoidance, which means they may resist and/or avoid tasks that they actually are not adverse to, simply based on the perceived expectations and demands. Do not confuse PDA with active resistance, although it is very understandable that they can look remarkably similar.