Q.
Why does my child do things like stimming?”
– MUM OF BOY AGED 5-8
A.
The technical answer – and the one you tend to hear from psychs and paediatricians – is that stimming is short for “self-stimulatory behaviour”, and is seen as regulatory behaviour in response to overwhelming sensory environments.
I feel like this is similar to saying eating is a response to being hungry, without explaining the relationship between the two or how eating resolves hunger.
There are many resources out there that can describe different types of stimming, and its occurrence within neurodivergent and/or developmentally disabled populations. This doesn’t help a parent, except to assist them in identifying which unexplained behaviours might simply be stims, so perhaps it would be of more benefit, in order to answer this question, to explain the experience of stimming from a neurodivergent perspective.
While there are many reasons for stimming, two that seem to be common to many neurodivergent people include for input, and as an outlet.
The Container
Imagine we all have a container that holds all our stimulation. For neurotypical people, they’re either unaware of this container, or don’t care about it, the majority of the time. Yes, sometimes neurotypical people get noticeably bored, or stressed, but the focus on this container is significantly less than it is for neurodivergent people, and their ability to pour some other things out of the container to make room, or to find things to fill it, is more accessible. For neurodivergent people, that container is front and centre a significant amount of the time, consciously or otherwise.
If that container is not filled with enough stimulation, stimming helps fill it (input), and if it gets too full, stimming can help empty it (outlet).
Input
For many neurodivergent people, understimulation is a significant issue. I can’t watch TV or a film without multitasking, or I fall asleep (it makes going to the cinema quite a conundrum); I try to avoid scrolling on my phone or working, so often end up crafting or doing art during this time.
In day to day life, that feeling of understimulation can result in physical discomfort. Waiting at the school gate for the bell to ring can make my legs ache, or my anxiety levels rise needlessly (my Apple Watch hilariously records this as a burst of activity sometimes and asks me if I’d like to record my workout despite the fact I’m standing still). Stimming helps to fill the gap in the container.
To avoid judgement, many neurodivergent people are pretty subtle with their stims in public. Echolalia in their head, a small movement (the finger-to-thumb dexterity test used to measure dementia, for example), or wriggling their toes inside their shoes; all things most people would not notice.
If unable to stim (usually due to social stigma), the feeling of having a partially empty “container” can be painful. It can be a similar feeling to time deprivation, or claustrophobia, dread or panic, or even induce dysphoria.
Outlet
If the container gets too full, the panic is similar. Again, physical discomfort can occur. The feeling of having ants under your skin, tense or aching muscles, the feeling of impending doom, a million thoughts at once, a car crash you can’t avoid, a deadline you can’t possibly meet. Absolute overload.
Stimming is like turning on a tap and letting some of the stimulation – and a lot of the resultant feelings – out. Hand shaking/flapping is a common favourite here, though in public many opt for less obvious stims such as tensing up different muscles as long and hard as possible, then relaxing them.
Many neurodivergent people feel like the louder or bigger the stim, the more effective as either an input or outlet.
Situation-Appropriate Stimming
As a neurodivergent person who has masked heavily for the majority of their life, I am now very conscious of being as authentic as possible (which requires significantly more bravery than I have spoons for at present), and raising my neurodivergent kids to be neuro-affirming and proud.
As such, we don’t consider stims to be something to hide. We do, however, keep other people’s needs and feelings in mind. While this does not include “Don’t flap your hand at the shops because other people might feel uncomfortable”, it does include things like, “Roaring is an awesome stim for the playground and at home during the daytime, but not the best choice when your teacher is talking to the class or your younger sibling is trying to sleep.” Similarly, we think sensory and fidget toys are wonderful, but the noisy ones aren’t great for class if they’re going to distract our friends from their work.
We think of it like a computer game player with an inventory; you pick the right weapon for the right situation. We never allow stims which hurt other people, and we discourage stims that hurt ourselves.
Asking a neurodivergent person to stop stimming, or making them feel bad about it, is simply exacerbating the problem and increasing their need to stim. Please allow neurodivergent people to stim without comment or judgement, and encourage your young neurodivergent people to choose their weapon wisely.
Soon you will be able to submit your own question to be answered from a neurodivergent perspective. Stay tuned!